Ballet - A slow and painful death

It’s not a big secret that Wifey works for one of the top 4 ballet companies in the country – the Boston Ballet. So really, no one should be surprised when I say that I’ve seen my fair share of ballets. But I have to come clean with something – I strongly feel that ballet is starting to eat away at my will to live.


Granted, not all of the activities that I like would be considered fun by Wifey – drinking until my face is numb being one example, or trying to fart the alphabet even. But none of my fun activities come close to being as torturous to Wifey as the ballet is to me.


Our agreement is this: The little lady will put up with all of my shenanigans throughout the year, which includes the above activities, if in return, I go to TWO ballets with her per year.


Sure, two ballets per year doesn’t sound all that bad –especially to all you women who read my blog. But I assure you, it’s an all out assault on my senses. Sitting in cramped seats for up to two and a half hours, staring at prancing ladies and buff dudes with no shirts, with their junk all but hanging out. Add to it the fact that the only alcoholic beverages at this event are served during a 10 minute intermission, at prices that would make a seasoned Fenway beer vendor blush – and you got yourself a motive for straight up domestic abuse (I’m kidding, domestic abuse is never funny… except in the south).


Don’t get me wrong – I love that Wifey loves the ballet, and I couldn’t be more proud of her achievements (which are numerous) at her place of employment. But couldn’t she have decided to work for NASCAR instead? I’d even take the Museum of Fine Arts over this. Sadly, it’s not the case.


So, it’s with a great amount of anxiety, and hopeless prayers for a tornado to hit Boston, that I tell you that this Friday, I will be attending Boston Ballet’s aptly named “The Nutcracker” with Wifey. Wish me luck.




SILVER LINING:


Although “The Nutcracker” is one of the ballets that I’ve agreed to go to this year, there is another one coming which I’ve agreed to attend. I don’t know the name of it, but apparently this new one features topless ballerinas. No joke. Replace the orchestra with Ted Nugent and you got yourself a date!













- Jack Asher

ADdicting

At some point over the past several years, TV commercials have become as entertaining as the programs that they're interrupting, and I'm totally digging it!

Long past are the days of the stale commercials, whose sole purpose was to educate the consumer on a products' purpose and value. Long gone are the old "You wanna buy dish soap? Here's why you should buy ours" ads. I don't know when it happened or how it started, but at some point, there must have been at least one advertising specialist that figured out that he could better grab a viewers attention by making his ads fun and entertaining.

With that in mind, here are my top 3 favorite TV commercials from this year. I'm 187% positive that I'm completely forgetting several of them, so if there's any that should be on the top 10 list, please let me know.


Just to preface, you're not going to see any E*Trade Baby, Bud Light, or Geico commercials on here. Why? Because I don't think they're that funny - and this is my blog.

3. The Most Interesting Man In The World


Here's the deal. I don't care where I am or what I'm doing when I see this commercial - I want this guys life. I don't care if that does mean that I have to give up the next 30 years of my life and go straight to my 50's, and make me latino - I want this guys life. Sign me up.



2. DirecTV Rich Russian Dude


This commercial is good up until the final 5 seconds - when it becomes great! I mean, the first several seconds are just kind of par for the course for a rich Russian's life. It's totally normal for this dude to choose the shinier golden statue over the duller one, and to have a remote that's diamond encrusted... but when they break out the giraffe the size of a Puggle... I lose my shit every single time.



1. Clown Jumping On A Toy Unicorn



So, I didn't realize this before I started writing this blog, but apparently there are people out there who see this commercial as being creepy and not at all funny. WHAT? There is nothing at all creepy about a grown man dressed up as a clown, sneaking up on a group of unsuspecting children, getting ready to pounce at them like some kind of wacky jungle-cat. If this commercial is wrong, I don't want to be right.







Thanks to Mr. Anonymous for reminding me of this little gem.

- Jack Asher

A Modern Day Biff

So, for the past several months, I've been spending a lot of time thinking about time travel. I don't even mean that I've been dreaming about it at night - I'd say that approximately 17% of my workday is spent thinking about time travel. Specifically, what if I could start over again yet retain all the knowledge I have accumulated over the years? What kind of changes would I have made as I grew up, and how would that shape the person I turned out to be.

I'll level with you, when these thoughts pop into my head, they don't have some existential undertones to it. Nope, these thoughts are all about how awesome my life would be.

Think about it - if I were born again back in 1984, but knew everything that I know today - I'd have such a head start. Sure, the first few years would be practically unbearable. I'd have to go through getting diapers changed again, which sucks. Of course I'd know how to wipe my own ass, but no one wants to see a baby who's completely independent, so I'd have to play ball.

So, although I'd have to deal with acting like a normal baby for the first 4 or 5 years, I could really get going once I turned six or so. Just pick up a guitar and play one of those songs that were popular in the mid nineties, only before anyone's ever heard it. I'd be an instant rock star. 7 year old girls would want me (to hold their hand), and 7 year old boys would want to be me. And that's just at age 7! Once I got into my teenage years, I would really be able to blossom into awesomeness - for starters, I'd completely avoid the entire awkward stage, which would be AWESOME!






All these things would really have a huge impact on my social life, no doubt... but think about the financial aspects of it. Back in '98, not too many people knew of a little place I like to call "Starbucks", I would probably put some of my piggy bank money into that, and watch it grow. Then when November of '07 comes around, just take all the money out of the market and keep cash around until, oh, I suppose March 6th, 2009. Remember Back to the Future II? I'm pretty sure that the moral of that story was to do the exact opposite of what I'm talking about here, but there's no way you could keep me away from becoming the next Biff. Hell, I'd even wear that red valour jumpsuit, just cause I could.







I realize that time-travel isn't possible just yet, and when/if it does become possible, I sure as hell won't be the one to discover it. But it's fun to think about. In the meantime, I suppose I'll just make like a tree, and get outta here.

- Jack Asher

Happy Halloween

Well, the time is almost upon us. The time where children will be laughing in the streets, and college-aged girls will be passed out all but naked, also in the streets. Yes, I'm talking about that spooky, yet comical pseudo holiday; Halloween.

I know what you all must be thinking... aren't you getting a bit old to be dressing up for Halloween? The answer, my friends is not at all. You see, at different stages in ones life, Halloween will mean different things. For instance, to any child ages 5 - 11, it just means that you're going to go out with your parents, and come back with all the candy you could dream of. To kids aged 12 - 16, it means one of two things: either you're going to be staying in because you're WAY too cool to be going out for Halloween, or that it's a perfect excuse to go out and wreak havoc on the neighborhood. To college students, Halloween is a time of blatant promiscuity without fear of judgement or reproach.

And then for people my age, Halloween is just a great excuse to get together with some friends, and get mildly drunker than usual.

So on this October 31st (or 30th, depending on your age group, and responsibilities on the following day), go out, and enjoy the scene. You'll likely see all the accoutrement of the holiday, including but not limited to: ghosts, spider men, power rangers, scooby doo's, scooby don'ts, and of course, a fair share of scantily clad police officers and nurses. Although I can't be sure, I have a feeling that these will be thoughts of all those who are dressing up this year:









Power Ranger - Look, here's the deal.... I want candy, and not just any candy. I know you've got some full sized candy bars hiding somewhere behind that bowl of smarties. Clearly, I'm doing my part... I'm dressed up to the nines, now it's time to reciprocate. I swear to God if you don't give me the candy I want, I'm going to tell my older brother that THIS is the house to egg and/or TP when he and his goons head out into town in approximately 4 hours.




Scary Mask - Hey guys, here's the house that my little brother told me about. DUDE, they're going to be so pissed when they open the door and see all this TP hanging from this tree! EXTREEEEMMMEEEE!!!!!!!






Sexy Nurse - OMG, I am going to get sooooo wasted tonight! I hope Brad's going to be at the party, I know I've hooked up with, like, 3 or 4 of his roommates this semester, but I don't think he knows. Who wants a Jello shot?!!? OMG OMG OMG, I LOVE THIS SONG, WOOOOOOH!!!!!! (as a side note, in the event of serious injury this Halloween, DO NOT consider this girl to be a viable health care provider).








The Situation - Man, I've been hitting the gym for the past 4 weeks getting prepared for tonight. Time for all those protein bars and creatine shakes to work their magic. Dude, don't get stingy with that hairgel, or those rufies. This is my time to shine.





Matching Family of... Bunnies -





Mother: Oh my goodness, I am LOVING THIS! The kids are so cute, and how great is it that my husband is a part of this too! WAIT, DON'T MOVE, I'LL GRAB THE CAMERA!!!!

Father: Fuck. Tonight's poker night, and I'm dressed up as a goddamn bunny rabbit. I swear, if any of my friends see me tonight, I'm going to lose my shit. I'm talking about making a scene, I don't even care if we're in public. The only thing keeping me sane right now is this flask. I hate my life more right now than ever before.

Teenage son: Fuck. All my friends are going out and wreaking havoc while wearing their scary masks, and I'm dressed up as a goddamn bunny rabbit. I swear, if any of my friends see me tonight, I'm going to lose my shit. I'm talking about making a scene, I don't even care if we're in public. Hey Dad, pass the flask!

Toddler: Dude, I don't care if I look like the biggest tool that's ever been... I'm going to clean up tonight! You know what a bunny suit gets you...? It gets you full sized candy bars, that's what.

- Jack Asher

REALLY TUESDAY? REALLY?!?

I had an amazing weekend. My family all met up in sunny Puerto Rico for my sisters wedding, and had a blast. We kayaked, we jetskied, we laid out on beaches, and of course, we drank, a lot. There's nothing like taking a four day vacation in a tropical paradise with your loved ones to remind you that things aren't so bad.

And then I come in to work today, and see this:





REALLY?!?!! 2,637 new emails to go through since last Thursday. Looks like reality just slapped me in the face... wait, no... it looks like reality just stole my lunch money, body slammed me onto the pavement, and just to add insult to injury, it went ahead and insulted my mother.

I mean, I sure as hell don't know 2,637 people. According to Facebook, I have 544 friends. But let's be honest here, I actually have about 10 friends total, and I'm pretty sure that 7 of them don't even like me. So unless my 3 friends sent me 879 emails each over the past four days... I have no clue what's going on.

What makes this even more frustrating, is that I can't just go ahead and delete all of these in one fell swoop (that's a legitimate term, right? "fell swoop"?). The problem is, interspersed with all these effin emails that I have no need or want of reading - there are some important ones from people that will get angry with me if I don't read them, i.e. my boss.

So, it looks as though my day will be spent staring very closely at a computer screen as to avoid deleting the wrong emails, and clicking the "delete" button approximately 2,615 times. You think I can get a disability payout for carpel tunnel?

- Jack Asher

Most awkward sports related injury ever

Long story short, my right leg has been in constant pain for several months now. It started back in February or so, a few months after I had started getting back into my workout routine, and slowly and steadily, the pain's been getting worse as time has gone by. I mean, it even hurts when I’m just standing. Oddly, the only time it doesn’t give me problems is when I’m running. So I finally did something that I hate doing… scheduled a doctors appointment.

The doctor wasn’t much help, as per usual. She told me to stop working out right away, and referred me to an orthopedist, or orthodontist, whichever one fixes appendages. Obviously, I wasn’t about to stop working out, after all, I had a goal to achieve. But I did go to the ortho-guy. The guy took some x-rays and whatnot, and then had me show off my flexibility by having me touch my toes… had it been another type of doctors appointment, I may have questioned this request, but I was in a lot of pain so I just went with it.

Turns out I’m about as flexible as Brett Favre is decisive, which is to say, not very. So the ortho-guy says that may be part of the problem and gives me a prescription for physical therapy sessions.

Here’s the deal. I, like most guys I know only stretch before I go for a run, and even then, it’s pretty much all for show. I just don’t want to waste my time bending down and touching my toes, or lying down bringing my knees to my chest and all that craziness. Workouts should be fast pace, and stretching is the complete opposite. And so, for the next couple of months, I went about my routine as per usual. And the pain continued.

Finally, it got too much. There happens to be a physical therapist who has an office next to my gym, so I went in one day and explained what was going on. He poked around my hamstring a bit and put me in different positions to see where the pain was coming from.

Apparently, this leg issue is coming directly from my ass. You can’t make this stuff up. Apparently, due to my inflexibility, my ass muscles are literally so tight that they’re pinching my sciatic nerve, causing the pain that shoots down my entire leg. Yup folks, you read that right, my tight ass is the reason for all this pain.



So, the guy gives me some stretches to do every day and tells me that it might take a few months, but hopefully it will go away. He also suggested that I get some deep tissue massages in that area to help loosen those muscles up.

The way I see it, I have four options…

1. Stop whining and start stretching, which is painful to both body and pride.

2. Just run everywhere I go, since it seems to be the only time that the leg doesn’t give me problems. Might cause issues in crowded places.

3. Find an open-minded masseuse, and get a thorough ass massage.

4. Learn to live with a bum leg.


Clearly, only one of these answers is realistic. You think I should start looking for an ‘open-minded’ masseuse in the yellow pages, or just skip the frustration and jump right to craigslist?



- Jack Asher

ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED!?!!??

I have to tell you all, I just don't know what to think anymore.


I've mentioned before how sometimes I search other people's blogs to see what people are writing about, and kinda fill up the old noggin' full of ideas for my own blog (it's not plagiarism if you've never read the original). You know what I keep seeing??? Lame blogs that have no content except for a few pictures of adorable animals.

Now, normally I'd be fine with this, after all, a blog featuring a Shnoodle can't really compare to my literary prowess - but when you take a closer look, it appears that these lame ass blogs actually have more followers than I do. Now, said it before, but clearly I have to say it again... I need affirmation in pretty much everything I do. It's clearly not enough for me to know that I'm a funny mofo, I need vast amounts of followers up on this site for me to be happy with posts.

So, yeah, at this point - I'm just saying "f*#k it". If cute animals are what the people want, then cute animals are what the people will get.



I figure if someone with absolutely zero writing capability can get 35 followers just by posting a few pictures of the cast of 'Homeward Bound' - then I can surely add some people to my blog by posting these pictures. And you know what? I'm not even ashamed that I'm stooping to this level. This blogging business is a cutthroat industry, if I'm not posting pictures of snuggly puppies, and tiny felines - someone else will.



- Jack Asher