I’ve run into a bit of a problem over the past week or so. You see, Wifey and I have these grand plans to put up framed pictures of ourselves on this mantle at the wedding – you know, pictures of us growing up from when we were kids and all that. Well, after going through all the pictures I could find, I’m really only comfortable putting up pictures of me between the ages of 0-6, and 17 – present. Why can’t I put up pictures of me between the ages of 6 and 17? Because I was one awkward mofo.
Listen, all boys have awkward stages, usually they’re between the ages of 12 and 15 or so. Mine lasted a bit longer. Pretty much, if adult me were to come across me at any point between 6 & 17 – I would be forced to turn to Wifey and say “Holy S**t, that’s one awkward kid”.
So, by now those of you who remember me during those years are thinking to yourselves – “Holy s**t, he really was totally awkward” – but the rest of you who didn’t know me during that time may be wondering what about me could have been so bad. Let’s dig a little deeper, shall we?
The Clothes – Listen, I can’t blame anyone but myself here. I mean, of course it didn’t help that this phase took place during the early 90’s – but that’s no excuse. I just couldn’t care less about what I was wearing – ever. My jeans were generally too short, my shirts were just embarrassingly out of sync with the current decade, and generally three sizes too large for my scrawny, scrawny self. I remember once in 8th grade, I didn’t have a clean collared shirt to wear to school (my school required all kids to have a collared, tucked in shirt), so I just grabbed one of my dads XL shirts – without the slightest notion of how ridiculous I looked. You see, I really didn’t care about how I looked, the only two things that were ever on my mind at that age were: girls, and The Simpsons (in that order). Little did I know that improvements in my overall appearance may have had some effect on the girls. The Simpsons, however, loved me no matter what.
The Hair – Ok, this might be what really brought the whole awkward-ness phase together for me. No boy in his early teenage years should ever, EVER, be allowed to decide on his own haircut – I realize this only now. Much too late I’m afraid. Ok, here it goes. I had long hair, but not long enough for it to look like I rocked out. Nope, it was just under chin length. And it was parted in the middle. Oh, and if that wasn’t enough – it was all too often over-gelled. I swear it’s not as though I was actually trying to win the award for most awkward kid in North America – it just kinda happened. Again, I have no one to blame but myself. My parents and sisters all tried to convince me to chop off the excess ‘do’ – but I was having none of it. I knew that I looked like a rock star, and I was damn proud of that hair.
The Braces – Honestly, this was just the icing on the cake for me. With our without the braces, I was awkward as F***. But if there were any doubts about my awkwardness, the braces cleared it all up. Here I was a kid of 13, with clothes that didn’t fit, a redonkulous hair cut, and unable to say three words without spitting on the person I was speaking with.
Oh, did I mention that I was a smelly kid too. (I’m not too sure about this one, but I’m willing to bet it was the case).
I have pictures of myself during this phase – I have quite a few actually, but you can bet your ass that I’m not posting them on this blog. It’s embarrassing enough having to live with the knowledge that I was the kid that made everyone say “Holy S**t, that kid’s awkward”.
- Jack Asher
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