Fantasy Football

Football season is finally upon us.

This football season, however, is not like any previous season for me. This season, I am going to try my hand at Fantasy Football. Now, just so you all know, I have no clue what this fantasy football's all about. In fact, it's strange for me to associate the word "fantasy" with anything other than a 22 year old Norwegian named Wanda, a set of police issued handcuffs, and a rubber chicken - but those are my issues which will be worked out in due time. But here I am nonetheless, a stranger in a foreign land, about to play me some fake football.

Here's the deal though. I have no f*&king clue what I'm doing.

Don't get me wrong, I'm a big football fan. From late August through early February, you won't catch me anywhere on a Sunday except in front of a TV, ready to root on my New England Patriots. But do I know all of the Patriot's individual stats? Absolutely not. In fact, my 18 year old sister-in-law knows more about individual stats that I know.

It's not just my general lack of knowledge of football stats that worries me. I also don't even know how to play the game. I mean, it’s fake football. Imagine someone gave you a quiz on the rules of baseball. You'd probably ace it, right? Now imagine that person asked you what the rules are for fake baseball… where do you even begin?

I guess what I'm trying to say is, those of you who are in my fantasy football league this year, get ready for some cheating on my part. I'm pretty much going to go back to my roots from 5th grade history class - and copy the nerdy kid's test answers all season. It may not be the most ethical way of going about it, but I'm really running out of options here.


- Jack Asher