Return to Glory

Well, I’m back.



I would apologize for my lack of posts lately, but let’s be honest – I had more important shit to take care of. In fact, I shouldn’t be apologizing. In these past two weeks, which I’ll just consider a sabbatical, so much has taken place which has served as a breeding ground for blogging ideas. Those of you who have been reading my blog for a while are probably thinking – great, maybe he’ll start writing one blog per day again. Let me assure you, this is not the case. Also, stop being so damn greedy.

So, what’s my first blog going to be about? Perhaps I’ll write about my wedding, which I can promise you, was turned up to 11. Maybe I’ll write about the honeymoon (I’d keep it PG-13 of course). Who knows, maybe I’ll write a new Petey Pancakes segment.

Nope, today’s blog, ladies and gentlemen, is entitled:

Toddlers: Adorable Youth, or Dangerous Drunks?


Hear me out… During my wedding, there was a lot of dancing going on. Wifey and I were dancing, our friends were dancing, even our parents friends were dancing. But out of all this, you know what caught my eye? It was a 3 year old “break dancing” in the middle of the dance floor. It was reminiscent of something I’d do after shotgunning a half bottle of Rubinoff my freshman year of college. And like THAT – it hit me. This kids has to be hammered drunk.

So, I thought about it for a while, and you know what? I’m pretty sure that kids are always drunk!


Exhibit A – Hugging

Have you ever seen one 3 year old hugging another 3 year old? Sure, it’s kinda cute and all because they’re kids. But if an adult were to hug another adult in the same manner, there would be no doubt in anyone’s mind that the person in question was three sheets to the wind.



Exhibit B – “Accidents”

I’ll admit it. It happened, once. It was in college, after a toga party. I peed. But in all fairness, I know plenty of other respectable people who have had “accidents” after periods of drinking a bit too much.

But kids? They don’t give a damn. They’ll pee themselves at 3 in the afternoon, and they’re not the slightest bit embarrassed about it. It takes some serious drunkness to soil yourself and not even blink an eye about it.








Exhibit C – Dancing

I’ve already gone through this, but just to drive in my point. I know that you’ve seen a drunk person dance, because I’ve posted a video of a drunk man dancing. Take a close look at that video again, and tell me that you can’t imagine a toddler breaking out those same exact dance moves.


I rest my case.



Jack Asher