The Pretzel Necklace Thieves

In my last post, I was talking about my excitement for the beer festival that was held on Saturday, Beer Summit.

I could go into details about the shenanigans that took place over the course of Saturday night, but truth be told - it would probably just bore you. Pretty much, it played out like this:

My friends and I went to beer summit, we all got pretty drunk. We then went to a local bowling alley, Kings, and played pool for a while. They decided to go out to a lame bar afterwards, and I decided it was time to go home. The end. I was well behaved all night, and that was that.

Some of you will recall the last paragraph in my last post. It read:

“Oh, just a word to the wise: make pretzel necklaces. Yes, I realize that it’s kinda lame, and totally cheesy – but you’ll be thanking me when you get the drunchies (drunken-munchies) and instead of every other sucker in there paying $7 for a hot dog, you can just snack on some good ole’ fashion pretzel jewelry. Not to mention they’re great conversation starters.”

This is the true subject behind today’s blog, cause honestly – I’m kinda pissed off.

I’ll be honest with you. Making pretzel necklaces for Beer Summit wasn’t originally my idea. I didn’t even wear one the first year. My friend Barrett had the brilliant idea, and after I saw him that first time – I would never again make the mistake of going to beer summit pretzel-necklace-less. There are a few reasons that pretzel necklaces are so near and dear to my heart... They’re edible – which is always a plus at a venue in which the only other alternative is ludicrously priced burgers or hot dogs. They’re also an outlet for my artistic side, something that’s not really showcased too often. But above all else, the one reason why I spend hours (OK, maybe a few minutes) creating these works of art, is for the attention that I receive.

People see the pretzel necklaces, and they are instantly intrigued/amazed/in love. People ask to take pictures with you, tons of people ask where they can buy them (Ha! As if it were that easy), and all around, people just think that you’re a hero.


So why am I so pissed off?


It’s because over the past couple years, more and more people have been stealing this idea! I know that imitation’s supposed to be the sincerest form of flattery – but when it intervenes with me getting my fair share of attention, that’s when I draw the line.

There was one dude that asked to take a picture of our necklaces this time around – JUST ONE! And it was a DUDE!!!! Sure, people were still impressed with my craftsmanship (after all, there’s more to making pretzel necklaces than just throwing a bag of pretzels on a string), but the attention was clearly diluted by all those other pretzel-donning posers. So what am I supposed to do? Clearly it’s too late to stop the trend – there are just too many people robbing me of my attention-grabbing tactics. The only other way to fight it is to do it bigger and better next time around.

Next time Beer Summit approaches, a mere necklace will not suffice. I intend to make pretzel body armor - think Russel Crowe in Gladiator meets the pretzel vendor in Manhattan. We’ll see if people are willing to go the extra mile to keep up with me then.




- Jack Asher

BEER SUMMIT!!!!!!!

Several times a year, there are beer festivals held in Boston. My favorite of these festivals are called Beer Summit. Tomorrow evening, with the company of some of my close friends, I will be drinking all the beer that I can out 4oz cups for three to four hours. While beer summit is an appropriate name for this event – I think a more apropos name for this event would be the “Get blackout drunk and hope that someone returns me to Wifey at some point” event.

Here’s the issue with attending beer summit. It’s one big trick after another! Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining about these things… This is simply a warning to those who have never been and don’t know what they’re in for.

When you enter into Beer Summit, they give you these tiny cups for the brewers (more than 50 of them) to fill you up as you go. Any grown man with even a small amount of self respect would take one look at those cups and snicker to himself, “There’s no way that I’m even getting a buzz tonight!” What no one realizes is that you fill up these little cups so frequently, that there’s no way to keep track of how much your actually consuming. I mean, I guess I could just tally the number of 4oz that drink, and then divide by three to tell me roughly how many beers I’ve consumed – but I’m no mathemagician on my good days, let alone my drunk days.

Then there’s the booze itself – like I said earlier, there’s expected to be over 50 different brewers serving the best of their brew for the duration of the event. We’re not talking light beers here. These beers consist of ridiculously high alcohol content. I’m not about to tell you what each beer’s alcohol content there is, but if I had to guess, I’d say the average would be around 6% or higher. If my memory serves me, I vaguely remember there being some alcohol there that is stronger than wine! Granted, my memory usually does not serve me after such an event.

Like I said, I’m not whining about any of this stuff. I think beer summit is just another tribute to the great city of Boston – where the beer flows like wine. I truly enjoy spending the time with my friends, the brewers, and the port-a-potties at this holiday-like event. So, wish me well on my journey to beer summit this weekend, oh fellow beer drinkers. With any luck, I’ll come in on Monday with an epic blog of drinking and such.




Oh, just a word to the wise: make pretzel necklaces. Yes, I realize that it’s kinda lame, and totally cheesy – but you’ll be thanking me when you get the drunchies (drunken-munchies) and instead of every other sucker in there paying $7 for a hot dog, you can just snack on some good ole’ fashion pretzel jewelry. Not to mention they’re great conversation starters.




- Jack Asher

How to Read a Clock

At about 5:15 this morning – Wifey stirred a little bit, and it woke me up. No big deal, since I was planning on waking up anyway in a few minutes. I quietly got out of bed, brushed my teeth, washed my face, and donned my gym clothes, and I was out the door right on time, intent on heading to a local park to do a pre-work workout with a few of my friends at 6AM.

Unfortunately, it wasn’t until I got to the park that I happened to look at the clock in my car and noticed that it read 4:00 in the morning!!!!

Somehow, and I’m still baffled by this – I woke up at 3:15, looked at my clock and convinced myself that it said 5:15. If that’s not enough, I also turned off my alarm clock on my phone – which must have also read 3:15. Oh, and then there was the clock in my car that I didn’t bother to look at. Pretty much – I dismissed every sign available, and made myself believe that it was time to go work out.

Now, mistakes happen when you’re tired. I realize this. I’m sure I’m not the only jack-ass that has woken up too early and thought it was time to get moving. But then again – the clocks weren’t the only thing that could have tipped me off:

1. At 5:30AM, it’s usually not pitch black outside. I know I was tired – but honestly – how did I miss this?

2. The route that I take to the park is a pain in the ass to drive on any day. Yet this morning, it was completely dead. I just assumed that it was my lucky day, I guess.

3. The Dunkin Donuts on my route were closed. Now, any good northeasterner knows that DD is a beacon of all that is right in this world. If there’s not a single Dunkin open within a five mile radius, there must be something awry, or it must be 3:30 in the AM.

You would think that with all of these things put together, I would have figured out pretty quickly that something was off. But nope. Not a clue. There’s only two possible explanations for this: 1. I’m an idiot, or 2. that the universe is giving me the middle finger.
I can’t in good consciousness blame this on myself – after all, I rarely make mistakes of any kind, so I’m inclined to go with the latter.



So, at this point of the story, I’m parked about a block away from the park – completely dumbfounded that it’s actually 4:00AM. I decided that I wasn't going back home. I only had two hours to wait for everyone else to show up, and by the time I drove back home – I’d only get about 45 minutes of sleep anyway. Instead, I think I’m just going to stay in the car, and try to sleep a while. Come to think of – I’m shocked that I wasn’t awakened by a cop rapping on my car window (which has happened before – but that’s a story for another time).

All in all, I got about 20 minutes of sleep, on and off. I got in a decent workout, and am now at work – where I’m still in and out of sleep. Today sucks. I hate the world. And I want my bed to be here, right now.

I realize that I have rambled on quite a bit in this blog. I consider it a feat in and of itself that I was able to form letters into words, and post them – given my current state of being.


- Jack Asher

Well, this is embarrassing

Maybe there's more in life to being really, really, rediculously good looking







I wasn’t even aware that this story had the potential of being funny until I told my sister about it, and she started laughing at (not with) me. Nope. For me, it was just a bit of Jack Asher being Jack Asher – the cocky SOB that I am.

You all know that I do my best to keep in shape, I’ve made that little bit clear in previous posts. But what I haven’t come clean with is my motivation for doing so. Here it is… I want to be the most in-shape guy at the resort where Wifey and I are going for our honeymoon.

Now hear my out before you start judging me and my narcissism, let me explain myself… I’ve been told time and time again that it’s always good to have goals. And not just any kind of goals, but SMART goals. You know, SMART:

S: Specific
M: Measurable
A: Actionable
R: Realistic
T: Time Bound

Well, this is just one of those goals, and I think it fits the criteria pretty well. Being the fittest guy at the resort is certainly specific. It could be measurable, although I feel like I’d have a tough time making friends if I tried arm-wrestling all the other male guests. It’s certainly actionable. I think it’s realistic, given that I’ve been working at it for a while, and of course it’s time bound – I have until June 1st.

So yes, while this endeavor is most definitely being driven by my own vanity, at least I’m doing it the right way. After all, is my goal less noble than someone who’s made it their New Years resolution to shed a few pounds and become healthier?


Yes, yes it is much less noble.



- Jack Asher

What's that Mr. boss? You said that I aced my review, AND I'm a valuable asset to this company?

Ok Ashton Kutcher, you can come out now. I mean, clearly I’m being ‘Punked’, right? There’s no way that that just happened in real life.

Don’t get me wrong – I’m a fairly hard worker. I do my job to the best of my ability (in between blogs), and I’m always the last one in the office and the first one to leave – but to get this amount of praise from my boss was just plain unexpected.

Listen – I’ve whined about my job on this blog often enough that you know that it’s not exactly a match made in heaven. I’ve complained about the co-workers, I’ve cried about my job duties, so it shouldn’t be any wonder that I don’t always put 150% of myself into this job. Which I absolutely don’t do. Ever.

So when I got the memo about going upstairs to meet with the boss for a review, naturally I was a little nervous. It couldn’t have gone any more differently than what I expected. Here’s a synopsis:


Boss: So Jack, before we get started here, you tell me how you think you’ve done here so far, and what needs improvement.

Jack: Well, um, Sir… I’ve definitely learned a lot since I started a few months ago, and I definitely feel like I’m still learning as I’m going forward. Although my numbers aren’t where I’d like them to be, I’m definitely making progress, and I’m very confident that the next quarter will be much more successful.

Boss: Whatchyou talkin’ about Willis?! You’re doing a fantastic job! In fact, I think I’m going to give you a raise, and an office. Why the hell not? You should by all means keep doing EXACTLY what you’re doing – blog writing during work hours and all.

-Verbatim. Well, not really.

But honestly – I was being praised in that office like Kobayashi at a Nathan’s. It was surreal.



Next stop, the corner office. Or the next blog. Whichever comes first.


- Jack Asher

It's UNCANNY!

Gene Hackman looks like he bought one of those disguises that consist of a hat, moustache, and glasses.

Wanted: A band that is one decent guitarist short of blowing peoples minds!

Once upon a time… I was in a band. In fact, I was in a few bands. There was the first high school band of which I have fond memories, but won’t go into detail due to some embarrassment that I haven’t managed to get past (we covered the song “Barracuda”, by Heart). Then there was the next high school band, Envy Overcome – which was an amazing mix of hard rock and punk, and featured me as the lead guitarist. Finally, there was the Johnny Mazcko band when I was a sophomore in college. Decent band, but not really my style.

Let’s talk about Envy Overcome for just a second – this was really the only taste of rocking out that I’ve had thus far. We played several shows, and had a pretty decent following. Well, as decent of a following as you can expect in high school. I even got flashed once while playing a show. Unfortunately – the flasher wasn’t exactly model material – but it’s the thought that counts.



I digress.

I miss that feeling of being up on a stage, playing badass music in front of large groups – having some dude throw on the strobe-lights when I’m in the middle of a solo, and being the object of so many women’s attention. Just kidding Wifey, just kidding.

So here's a message to all those bands out there who are besides themselves in regret over not having the right guitarist...

Just cause I haven’t been in a band since 2004, doesn’t mean that I don’t still have my mediocre chops. I still pick up the ole’ six string as often as I can, and rock out some of our old tunes. For any of you bands out there that are just one guitarist short – please note that I’m available on weekdays from 5:30 until 10:00PM. On the weekends it really kind of depends on what Wifey and I are doing, I’ll probably want to check with her before making any plans.

I know I haven’t played in a while – and that’s why I think it’s important to take note of the following skills I have. I really think that these skills could edge me ahead of the other guitarists you may be looking at:

1. Impeccable Hygiene
2. Can juggle – but only 3 items of similar shapes and sizes
3. I’m learning how to cook
4. Super fast reader – if anyone needs a book report done in a timely manner – I’m your guy!
5. I’m a great listener.

Now, I know that I’m probably not the best guitarist you’ve ever seen. But when you combine my decent guitar style with these other skills, which I believe are equally important, I think it should make your choice pretty easy.



- Jack Asher