Just when you thought Soccer was lame...

Haha, just kidding - Soccer is still lame as hell. Yeah, I know that 98.4% of the world would disagree, but the cold hard fact is that soccer is the least interesting sport to watch. 9 times out of 10 I’d rather watch a striped bass fishing competition on ESPN 8 (The Ocho), than be stuck watching a bunch of Europeans kicking around a ball, just to have the final score read 0-0 (The 10th time would be when America's playing in the World Cup, because all hilarity aside, I'm a Patriot).

Having said that, I’ll be the first to admit that even a broken clock is right… twice a day.


If you have to say one thing good about soccer players, it’s got to be their ingenuity, right? I mean, you take a look at Basketball stars after they make an awesome shot, and they got nothing. They just hustle their ass right back into position because that’s just the pace of the game. Even in Football these days, you don’t see too many post touchdown celebrations thanks to all the fines that are being thrown all over the place. But then there are the soccer players – the athletes that just don’t give a F**k cause they know nobody’s watching anyway.

So, while I will still reserve my right to make fun of soccer, soccer players, and soccer fans with their awful, awful vuvuzelas - I have to tip my hat to those players who make the sport tolerable to even the most cynical of sports fans.


- Cynical Sports Fan, Jack Asher

iThink you should stop whining

There is so much being said right now about how the iPhone 4 sucks because it drops calls when you don’t have a case around it. In fact, people are demanding that Apple goes and gives millions and millions of free iPhone cases out to it’s users to remedy the problem.

I don’t get it. First off, I have the new iPhone 4 and I see no problems with it, but it’s more than that. I just don’t understand how people can be all up in arms about this. Maybe it’s just because I’m about as adept to technology as I am when it comes to nuclear physics, but I don’t understand how anyone could be upset with this phone. I mean, it does it all!


You want something to manage your finances? They’ve got an App for that. You want something to tell you what time movies are playing? They’ve got an App for that. You want something to make you breakfast in the morning, and read you the morning newspaper – yup, I think they’ve got an App for that too.

The point is – who cares if you need a case to make phone calls on this thing. Maybe it’s just me, but I feel like everyone should have purchased a case with the phone when they first got it, cause guess what? The entire front of it is made of GLASS, genius!

Meanwhile – this phone can simultaneously launch a space shuttle, pick the kids up from school, and scratch my ass (that last App costs extra). These folks need to shut up, buy a damned case, and get back to bitching about things that really matter, like Mel Gibson’s voice messages.


- Jack Asher

LeBron-athon

At 9:00 EST this evening, LeBron James is holding a special on ESPN in which he will let the country, nay, the world know where he will be playing for the next several years. How they can manage to drag out saying “I’m going to [Insert Miami, Chicago, New York, or New Jersey here] longer than five minutes is beyond me, but here are my predictions for how this thing is going to go tonight…



Prediction #1. There will be Rocky-esque montages. I’m talking about some clips of LeBron dunking on dudes and throwing powder up in the air for no reason, while they’re playing some Jay-Z tune in the background. It will be epic.




Prediction #2. The people of Cleveland will realize that despite what Drew Carey may say – Cleveland does not rock. The closest it came to rocking before LeBron was around was a tubby comedian with a cheesy sitcom. Now that LeBron is leaving, and rest assured he IS leaving Cleveland, the residents of this never-great city will be left in despair. But hey, at least they have the Indians.




Prediction #3. More Americans will be tuned in to this program than were tuned in to all of the World Cup games combined. I have to hand it to LeBron and ESPN – they know how to hype this shit up. I mean, even my sister, who I’m pretty sure thought that LeBron was the third baseman for the Cleveland Browns told me today, “So I just read that lebron still hasn’t told where he is going...so annoying”.




Prediction #4. Somewhere Doc Rivers, Paul Pierce, Kevin Garnett, Ray Allen, and Rajon Rondo, will be smiling to themselves. Because even if Dwayne Wade joins forces with LeBron James – next year will just be like so many other years, with the Celtics going to the Finals, leaving LeBron far, far behind.



- Jack Asher

I've lost my mojo!!!

My last blog was posted on June 17th, 2010. That was 19 days ago, and that, ladies and gentlemen, is a new record for me. Am I embarrassed? Yes. Am I sorry? Absolutely. What can I say… I think I’ve lost my mojo.

These weeks of going without blogs isn’t only out of laziness on my part, although I’m sure laziness would be a contributing factor. It’s also because I haven’t been able to come up with anything funny these past two weeks. Believe it or not, I’ve actually written two other full length blogs these past two weeks. But alas, my senior editor (a.k.a. my sister) said that they weren’t very funny. It didn’t come as shock to me either – I knew they weren’t great, but I was still hoping that they’d be decent enough to post.

No such luck.


I feel a bit rejected right now. Kind of like how Eddie Murphy must have felt after going from “Coming to America”, to “Norbit”.




But, enough of this whining from me. If there’s one thing I’m good at, it’s writing shit that will make you laugh for a half a second, and then have you forget you ever read it. And so, I shall bounce back once again. I’ll think up some new material on a more frequent basis if it kills me. Hell, I don’t even care if I have to throw embarrassing stories about Wifey in here to make quota – just kidding Wifey.

The point is, the Jack Asher that you all know and love, or at least find mildy entertaining, is back.


- Jack Asher