The Biggest Fan

I love NBC’s “The Biggest Loser”. There. I said it.

I don’t know what’s happened to me over these past 15 or so weeks, but I’ve become a biggest loser super fan – and I don’t just mean that I make sure that I’m on my couch every Tuesday evening ready to watch. What I’m talking about her is on a whole other plain. What I'm trying to say is, I’m emotionally invested in this season.

While my opinions on each of the participants vary widely, and I downright hate one of the trainers, I’m going to see this season to the end. Here are a few of my thoughts on the remaining contestants. (I’m leaving last week’s loser on here as well, because my sister hasn’t caught up yet, and I wouldn’t dare ruin it for her).



Ashley

This girl just annoys me for some reason. Don’t get me wrong, I think her progress is incredible, and she clearly works hard every single week. Honestly, and I know how this sounds, I think I just don’t like her so much ‘cause she’s ugly. Not inside and out – just out. It’s also not at all because she’s big, after all, it is “The Biggest Loser” – she just doesn’t look right to me, and therefore, I don’t like her. Feel free to judge away.





Daris

Again, not my favorite. Same deal as with Ashley, this dude works hard every single week. But in his case – I just don’t think he has the drive to go all the way. And his curly hair looks stupid.









Koli

Koli’s my boy! Sam and Koli are by far the hardest working individuals in that house. They 200% deserve to win the whole thing based on their intensity alone. But I like Koli for other reasons as well. He’s just all around a good guy. Everyone in that house looks up to him, not only because of how hard he works – but because he’s just a sweetheart! I guarantee that every lady in that house – Allison included – has a bit of a crush on Koli.




Sam

I just said that Sam and Koli deserve to win based on how hard they work, and that’s totally true. However, Sam irritates the crap out of me. If this show was called “the biggest condescending loser” – it would have been over in week 6 with Sam as the champ. When they were all split up into two teams, and Sam was the only guy in his group… he made it clear to everyone that he felt that it was his role to be the leader. Now, I’m no newcomer to jokes at women’s expense – but come on dude! You’re on national television in 2010, you can’t be going on talking about the poor little girls needing someone to look up to. Yeah, we know that your cousin is a natural born leader – take a lesson from Jeb Bush, and just deal with it behind closed doors.




O'Neil

Not since the days of Carl and Laura Winslow have I been so attached to an African American family on TV. You throw anything at this guy and it’s like no big deal to him. What, you’re kneecaps are about to fall off? No problem, ill just work at my own pace. Fall down and crack your head open during a challenge – I’ll just walk it off. Throw in a death in the family… well they would have wanted me to continue on my journey anyway. The man is an effin HERO.




Sunshine
I don’t care what people say about Sunshine – she’s a saint! You put me in a room with my dad for longer than 3.5 minutes – someone’s going to be injured. This girl, on the other hand, has been living in close quarters with her dad, working out with him – and still, she’s the most supportive daughter he could ask for. Sunshine. Saint.





Michael
This dude just pisses me off sometimes. You never know if he’s actually going to have a hard workout or not. Really, it’s a 50/50 shot, which coincidentally is the ratio of laughs to silence he gets after telling one of his awful jokes. The dude was happy as can be when he (slowly) jogged a complete mile. Really? REALLY? Every other contestant in that show is running laps around you, and you’re grinning like you just completed the Ironman Triathlon.



Jillian the Trainer: You’re an F***ing trainer, not a licensed psychotherapist. ‘Nuff said.

Bob the Trainer: Indifferent


My prediction for this seasons winner: Sunshine.

Now excuse me while I go and fix me a bowl of ice cream – with extra cream.


Jack Asher

"I do... But you can't legally hold me to it!"

Let me share with you the most recent nonsense of my life.

Last weekend, Wifey and I headed down to Long Island to do some wedding stuff. We had the final meeting with the photographer, we finalized our menu, and she had another dress fitting. But the real reason that we drove down… To get our marriage license.


Let me rewind.



About two months ago, Wifey and I were down in Long Island to meet with the Justice of the Peace who will be marrying us. While we were sitting down with him, we discussed the ceremony, as well as what needs to be done to make this all legit. He told us that we would have to come down on a weekday no more than 60 days before the wedding, and bring two forms of ID to city hall, and we’d be able to get the license right then.

No problem. We drive down late on Thursday night, and take the next day off of work. After all, this is important. So, 9:00AM on Friday, we gather our documents (we each have our passports as well as our drivers license), and we head to city hall.

We find the right department and tell them merrily that we’re here to get our marriage license. The very first question that the clerk asks us: “Do you have your birth certificates”?

Apparently, in the great state of New York – a passport and drivers license does not qualify as proof of age. You either need an original or certified birth certificate, or Baptismal papers.

Slight problem here… I’m Jewish – so the Baptismal papers are out (too bad they didn't ask for circumcision papers - racists). And neither I, nor my parents have any idea where my Birth Certificate could be. I explain this to the clerk, and she reassures me:

“It’s really no problem, I can pull it up right here… you were born in NY, right?”


I was born in Los Angeles. F***.


The next several hours were a blur of Wifey freaking out, and conversations with the city hall of LOS ANGELES.

Long story short, we’re getting a certified copy of my birth certificate expedited to NY… that is, so long as they have my birth certificate on file. Then, assuming we receive it, we’ll have to get our marriage license the Friday before our wedding, and hope that nothing else goes wrong.


So, for those of you attending our wedding in 33 days… come, enjoy the food and the festivities, but don’t be surprised when we are NOT pronounced Man and Wifey.


- Jack Asher

It's the Final Countdown! Da da da da, da da da da da....

Well, it’s T-Minus 3 days until I’m off to celebrate the end of freedom with my buddies. That’s right. Next weekend, I’ll be with some of my closest friends, in a foreign land, enjoying my bachelor party. But what exactly will I be doing? I have no clue.

I only know that the festivities will be held in Montreal, as well as who will be attending. Let’s go over some of the main players in the guest list… hopefully it will provide a bit of insight to what lies ahead.

Best Man: He was a clear choice for best man, not so much because of the fact that he’s my best friend, but rather because he knows how to throw one hell of a party – something that is clearly important in this kind of choice.





Petey Pancakes, The Boy Wonder: Should need no further introduction.



The Doc: Not only is The Doc a good friend, but he’s also one of the most responsible friends I’ve ever had. This guy is pretty much at the top of his class at a prestigious med school. Wifey is thrilled that he’ll be there because A) he has medical training which may come in handy, and B) he has the capability of drawing the line between fun and stupidity – something that not all of us (see the above name) possess.




Angry McJameson: This guy is just outright scary if you don’t know him, and sometimes even when you do. Angry McJameson is huge (he’s a personal trainer), and has been known to drink Jameson by the barrel. Pretty much, he’s the muscle of the group. Hopefully we won’t be needing him for his brawn during the weekend, but if so, I’m glad he’s on our side.





The Brother (in-law): I know what everyone’s thinking here… Will I be able to enjoy myself with my future brother-in-law hanging out with us for the weekend? Absolutely. I’m actually really excited he’s coming out, because we haven’t had too many opportunities to hang out in a social setting, and he’s all around just a good guy.







Now, from what little bit that I know, this list is incomplete. That’s certainly not for a lack of respect for the other gentlemen that will be attending, but rather because I’m tired of coming up with clever-ish nicknames for them.

The way I see it, this is like a puzzle that has many possible solutions to it. If things go one way, then Petey Pancakes’ may start up with his usual antics and get us all thrown in jail. If they go another way, Angry McJameson may have to throw up the fisticuffs and duke it out. Who knows, maybe it’ll be an awesome combination of the two?

My point is this… with a group as diverse as this, we’re bound to have a memorable time.



- Jack Asher

A Kenyan wins the Boston Marathon. Reeeaaaal Original

Come on America! You can't even win a race in your own back yard? Let's take a quick look at the top 10 finishers of the marathon today...



2010 Boston Marathon men's top finishers


1 Robert Cheruiyot, Kenya 2:05:52............Winner
2 Tekeste Kebede, Ethiopia 2:07:23
3 Deriba Merga, Ethiopia 2:08:39
4 Ryan Hall, USA 2:08:41 ....................Slacker
5 Meb Keflezighi, USA 2:09:26
6 Gashaw Asfaw, Ethiopia 2:10:53
7 John Komen, Kenya 2:11:48
8 Moses Kigen, Kipkosgei Kenya 2:12:04
9 Jason Lehmkuhle, USA 2:12:24
10 Alejandro Suarez, Mexico 2:12:33

SOURCE: Boston Athletic Association

Come on Ryan Hall! You were a mere two minutes and forty-seven seconds away from glory! What happened? Being 2 minutes away from losing a race in your home country, to me, is equivalent to punching America in the face. And that, sir, I cannot abide.



- Jack Asher

The Pretzel Necklace Thieves

In my last post, I was talking about my excitement for the beer festival that was held on Saturday, Beer Summit.

I could go into details about the shenanigans that took place over the course of Saturday night, but truth be told - it would probably just bore you. Pretty much, it played out like this:

My friends and I went to beer summit, we all got pretty drunk. We then went to a local bowling alley, Kings, and played pool for a while. They decided to go out to a lame bar afterwards, and I decided it was time to go home. The end. I was well behaved all night, and that was that.

Some of you will recall the last paragraph in my last post. It read:

“Oh, just a word to the wise: make pretzel necklaces. Yes, I realize that it’s kinda lame, and totally cheesy – but you’ll be thanking me when you get the drunchies (drunken-munchies) and instead of every other sucker in there paying $7 for a hot dog, you can just snack on some good ole’ fashion pretzel jewelry. Not to mention they’re great conversation starters.”

This is the true subject behind today’s blog, cause honestly – I’m kinda pissed off.

I’ll be honest with you. Making pretzel necklaces for Beer Summit wasn’t originally my idea. I didn’t even wear one the first year. My friend Barrett had the brilliant idea, and after I saw him that first time – I would never again make the mistake of going to beer summit pretzel-necklace-less. There are a few reasons that pretzel necklaces are so near and dear to my heart... They’re edible – which is always a plus at a venue in which the only other alternative is ludicrously priced burgers or hot dogs. They’re also an outlet for my artistic side, something that’s not really showcased too often. But above all else, the one reason why I spend hours (OK, maybe a few minutes) creating these works of art, is for the attention that I receive.

People see the pretzel necklaces, and they are instantly intrigued/amazed/in love. People ask to take pictures with you, tons of people ask where they can buy them (Ha! As if it were that easy), and all around, people just think that you’re a hero.


So why am I so pissed off?


It’s because over the past couple years, more and more people have been stealing this idea! I know that imitation’s supposed to be the sincerest form of flattery – but when it intervenes with me getting my fair share of attention, that’s when I draw the line.

There was one dude that asked to take a picture of our necklaces this time around – JUST ONE! And it was a DUDE!!!! Sure, people were still impressed with my craftsmanship (after all, there’s more to making pretzel necklaces than just throwing a bag of pretzels on a string), but the attention was clearly diluted by all those other pretzel-donning posers. So what am I supposed to do? Clearly it’s too late to stop the trend – there are just too many people robbing me of my attention-grabbing tactics. The only other way to fight it is to do it bigger and better next time around.

Next time Beer Summit approaches, a mere necklace will not suffice. I intend to make pretzel body armor - think Russel Crowe in Gladiator meets the pretzel vendor in Manhattan. We’ll see if people are willing to go the extra mile to keep up with me then.




- Jack Asher

BEER SUMMIT!!!!!!!

Several times a year, there are beer festivals held in Boston. My favorite of these festivals are called Beer Summit. Tomorrow evening, with the company of some of my close friends, I will be drinking all the beer that I can out 4oz cups for three to four hours. While beer summit is an appropriate name for this event – I think a more apropos name for this event would be the “Get blackout drunk and hope that someone returns me to Wifey at some point” event.

Here’s the issue with attending beer summit. It’s one big trick after another! Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining about these things… This is simply a warning to those who have never been and don’t know what they’re in for.

When you enter into Beer Summit, they give you these tiny cups for the brewers (more than 50 of them) to fill you up as you go. Any grown man with even a small amount of self respect would take one look at those cups and snicker to himself, “There’s no way that I’m even getting a buzz tonight!” What no one realizes is that you fill up these little cups so frequently, that there’s no way to keep track of how much your actually consuming. I mean, I guess I could just tally the number of 4oz that drink, and then divide by three to tell me roughly how many beers I’ve consumed – but I’m no mathemagician on my good days, let alone my drunk days.

Then there’s the booze itself – like I said earlier, there’s expected to be over 50 different brewers serving the best of their brew for the duration of the event. We’re not talking light beers here. These beers consist of ridiculously high alcohol content. I’m not about to tell you what each beer’s alcohol content there is, but if I had to guess, I’d say the average would be around 6% or higher. If my memory serves me, I vaguely remember there being some alcohol there that is stronger than wine! Granted, my memory usually does not serve me after such an event.

Like I said, I’m not whining about any of this stuff. I think beer summit is just another tribute to the great city of Boston – where the beer flows like wine. I truly enjoy spending the time with my friends, the brewers, and the port-a-potties at this holiday-like event. So, wish me well on my journey to beer summit this weekend, oh fellow beer drinkers. With any luck, I’ll come in on Monday with an epic blog of drinking and such.




Oh, just a word to the wise: make pretzel necklaces. Yes, I realize that it’s kinda lame, and totally cheesy – but you’ll be thanking me when you get the drunchies (drunken-munchies) and instead of every other sucker in there paying $7 for a hot dog, you can just snack on some good ole’ fashion pretzel jewelry. Not to mention they’re great conversation starters.




- Jack Asher

How to Read a Clock

At about 5:15 this morning – Wifey stirred a little bit, and it woke me up. No big deal, since I was planning on waking up anyway in a few minutes. I quietly got out of bed, brushed my teeth, washed my face, and donned my gym clothes, and I was out the door right on time, intent on heading to a local park to do a pre-work workout with a few of my friends at 6AM.

Unfortunately, it wasn’t until I got to the park that I happened to look at the clock in my car and noticed that it read 4:00 in the morning!!!!

Somehow, and I’m still baffled by this – I woke up at 3:15, looked at my clock and convinced myself that it said 5:15. If that’s not enough, I also turned off my alarm clock on my phone – which must have also read 3:15. Oh, and then there was the clock in my car that I didn’t bother to look at. Pretty much – I dismissed every sign available, and made myself believe that it was time to go work out.

Now, mistakes happen when you’re tired. I realize this. I’m sure I’m not the only jack-ass that has woken up too early and thought it was time to get moving. But then again – the clocks weren’t the only thing that could have tipped me off:

1. At 5:30AM, it’s usually not pitch black outside. I know I was tired – but honestly – how did I miss this?

2. The route that I take to the park is a pain in the ass to drive on any day. Yet this morning, it was completely dead. I just assumed that it was my lucky day, I guess.

3. The Dunkin Donuts on my route were closed. Now, any good northeasterner knows that DD is a beacon of all that is right in this world. If there’s not a single Dunkin open within a five mile radius, there must be something awry, or it must be 3:30 in the AM.

You would think that with all of these things put together, I would have figured out pretty quickly that something was off. But nope. Not a clue. There’s only two possible explanations for this: 1. I’m an idiot, or 2. that the universe is giving me the middle finger.
I can’t in good consciousness blame this on myself – after all, I rarely make mistakes of any kind, so I’m inclined to go with the latter.



So, at this point of the story, I’m parked about a block away from the park – completely dumbfounded that it’s actually 4:00AM. I decided that I wasn't going back home. I only had two hours to wait for everyone else to show up, and by the time I drove back home – I’d only get about 45 minutes of sleep anyway. Instead, I think I’m just going to stay in the car, and try to sleep a while. Come to think of – I’m shocked that I wasn’t awakened by a cop rapping on my car window (which has happened before – but that’s a story for another time).

All in all, I got about 20 minutes of sleep, on and off. I got in a decent workout, and am now at work – where I’m still in and out of sleep. Today sucks. I hate the world. And I want my bed to be here, right now.

I realize that I have rambled on quite a bit in this blog. I consider it a feat in and of itself that I was able to form letters into words, and post them – given my current state of being.


- Jack Asher

Well, this is embarrassing

Maybe there's more in life to being really, really, rediculously good looking







I wasn’t even aware that this story had the potential of being funny until I told my sister about it, and she started laughing at (not with) me. Nope. For me, it was just a bit of Jack Asher being Jack Asher – the cocky SOB that I am.

You all know that I do my best to keep in shape, I’ve made that little bit clear in previous posts. But what I haven’t come clean with is my motivation for doing so. Here it is… I want to be the most in-shape guy at the resort where Wifey and I are going for our honeymoon.

Now hear my out before you start judging me and my narcissism, let me explain myself… I’ve been told time and time again that it’s always good to have goals. And not just any kind of goals, but SMART goals. You know, SMART:

S: Specific
M: Measurable
A: Actionable
R: Realistic
T: Time Bound

Well, this is just one of those goals, and I think it fits the criteria pretty well. Being the fittest guy at the resort is certainly specific. It could be measurable, although I feel like I’d have a tough time making friends if I tried arm-wrestling all the other male guests. It’s certainly actionable. I think it’s realistic, given that I’ve been working at it for a while, and of course it’s time bound – I have until June 1st.

So yes, while this endeavor is most definitely being driven by my own vanity, at least I’m doing it the right way. After all, is my goal less noble than someone who’s made it their New Years resolution to shed a few pounds and become healthier?


Yes, yes it is much less noble.



- Jack Asher

What's that Mr. boss? You said that I aced my review, AND I'm a valuable asset to this company?

Ok Ashton Kutcher, you can come out now. I mean, clearly I’m being ‘Punked’, right? There’s no way that that just happened in real life.

Don’t get me wrong – I’m a fairly hard worker. I do my job to the best of my ability (in between blogs), and I’m always the last one in the office and the first one to leave – but to get this amount of praise from my boss was just plain unexpected.

Listen – I’ve whined about my job on this blog often enough that you know that it’s not exactly a match made in heaven. I’ve complained about the co-workers, I’ve cried about my job duties, so it shouldn’t be any wonder that I don’t always put 150% of myself into this job. Which I absolutely don’t do. Ever.

So when I got the memo about going upstairs to meet with the boss for a review, naturally I was a little nervous. It couldn’t have gone any more differently than what I expected. Here’s a synopsis:


Boss: So Jack, before we get started here, you tell me how you think you’ve done here so far, and what needs improvement.

Jack: Well, um, Sir… I’ve definitely learned a lot since I started a few months ago, and I definitely feel like I’m still learning as I’m going forward. Although my numbers aren’t where I’d like them to be, I’m definitely making progress, and I’m very confident that the next quarter will be much more successful.

Boss: Whatchyou talkin’ about Willis?! You’re doing a fantastic job! In fact, I think I’m going to give you a raise, and an office. Why the hell not? You should by all means keep doing EXACTLY what you’re doing – blog writing during work hours and all.

-Verbatim. Well, not really.

But honestly – I was being praised in that office like Kobayashi at a Nathan’s. It was surreal.



Next stop, the corner office. Or the next blog. Whichever comes first.


- Jack Asher

It's UNCANNY!

Gene Hackman looks like he bought one of those disguises that consist of a hat, moustache, and glasses.

Wanted: A band that is one decent guitarist short of blowing peoples minds!

Once upon a time… I was in a band. In fact, I was in a few bands. There was the first high school band of which I have fond memories, but won’t go into detail due to some embarrassment that I haven’t managed to get past (we covered the song “Barracuda”, by Heart). Then there was the next high school band, Envy Overcome – which was an amazing mix of hard rock and punk, and featured me as the lead guitarist. Finally, there was the Johnny Mazcko band when I was a sophomore in college. Decent band, but not really my style.

Let’s talk about Envy Overcome for just a second – this was really the only taste of rocking out that I’ve had thus far. We played several shows, and had a pretty decent following. Well, as decent of a following as you can expect in high school. I even got flashed once while playing a show. Unfortunately – the flasher wasn’t exactly model material – but it’s the thought that counts.



I digress.

I miss that feeling of being up on a stage, playing badass music in front of large groups – having some dude throw on the strobe-lights when I’m in the middle of a solo, and being the object of so many women’s attention. Just kidding Wifey, just kidding.

So here's a message to all those bands out there who are besides themselves in regret over not having the right guitarist...

Just cause I haven’t been in a band since 2004, doesn’t mean that I don’t still have my mediocre chops. I still pick up the ole’ six string as often as I can, and rock out some of our old tunes. For any of you bands out there that are just one guitarist short – please note that I’m available on weekdays from 5:30 until 10:00PM. On the weekends it really kind of depends on what Wifey and I are doing, I’ll probably want to check with her before making any plans.

I know I haven’t played in a while – and that’s why I think it’s important to take note of the following skills I have. I really think that these skills could edge me ahead of the other guitarists you may be looking at:

1. Impeccable Hygiene
2. Can juggle – but only 3 items of similar shapes and sizes
3. I’m learning how to cook
4. Super fast reader – if anyone needs a book report done in a timely manner – I’m your guy!
5. I’m a great listener.

Now, I know that I’m probably not the best guitarist you’ve ever seen. But when you combine my decent guitar style with these other skills, which I believe are equally important, I think it should make your choice pretty easy.



- Jack Asher