ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED!?!!??

I have to tell you all, I just don't know what to think anymore.


I've mentioned before how sometimes I search other people's blogs to see what people are writing about, and kinda fill up the old noggin' full of ideas for my own blog (it's not plagiarism if you've never read the original). You know what I keep seeing??? Lame blogs that have no content except for a few pictures of adorable animals.

Now, normally I'd be fine with this, after all, a blog featuring a Shnoodle can't really compare to my literary prowess - but when you take a closer look, it appears that these lame ass blogs actually have more followers than I do. Now, said it before, but clearly I have to say it again... I need affirmation in pretty much everything I do. It's clearly not enough for me to know that I'm a funny mofo, I need vast amounts of followers up on this site for me to be happy with posts.

So, yeah, at this point - I'm just saying "f*#k it". If cute animals are what the people want, then cute animals are what the people will get.



I figure if someone with absolutely zero writing capability can get 35 followers just by posting a few pictures of the cast of 'Homeward Bound' - then I can surely add some people to my blog by posting these pictures. And you know what? I'm not even ashamed that I'm stooping to this level. This blogging business is a cutthroat industry, if I'm not posting pictures of snuggly puppies, and tiny felines - someone else will.



- Jack Asher

I was a regular Don Juan (back in the 1st Grade)

There I was last Friday afternoon – just hard at work hoping that the few hours of my workday would fly bye (they didn’t – they never do). All of a sudden, I look up at the toolbar, and it looks as though I’ve got a new email.

It’s a Facebook update, and normally – I just totally ignore these because they’re inevitably from someone I don’t have any relationship anymore from High School inviting me to some event that I would never, ever attend. Normally these events have something to do with gay rights, animal activism, or some creepy combination of the two. For those of you who know me well – it’s not likely that I’m going to give up one of my prized weekend afternoons to go protest for the rights of Herbert – the gay humpback whale.

I digress…

As I was looking at this Facebook update, I realized that this had nothing to do with gay animal rights, but rather it was a personal message sent by someone I didn’t know. I dig in a bit further, and this is what the message says:

"If you are the person I think you are, we went to school together at Acacia Elementary in Thousand Oaks California. We were “boyfriend and girlfriend” and you moved to Georgia with your parents in 2nd grade, I think. Let me know. It would be a trip to hear from you!"

Normally, I can barely remember what I ate for breakfast. But this girl I remember well. I mean, I specifically remember how our super serious relationship got started: As I was walking home from first grade, I saw her walking up ahead of me… I ran up to her, gave her a cupcake (a move that I continued to use throughout high school – how do you think I got Wifey’s attention), and then ran off, cause I was too scared to talk to her. If that’s not romance, I don’t know what is. This girl goes on to tell me how she actually had a mini-first-grade meltdown when I moved away.

Anyhow – we catch up, and it’s all really cool and whatnot.

I bet most of you are thinking the same thing right now… wow, how cool is it that we’ve got a tool like Facebook that can reunite people who haven’t even spoken to each other in 20 years! While that is true – this entire situation has led me to think of one thing, and one thing only. I must have been SO pimp back in the day!

I don’t mean to brag (I’m totally bragging) – but how many of you had brief romances back in the 1st grade, never spoke to them again, and 20 years later have them find you on Facebook? Clearly, even in my youth, I knew how to make an impression. And if you extrapolate that out – I must have gotten even better over the years, like a fine wine – I would totally be killing it with the ladies today!

So Wifey, grab your stick – cause you’re going to need it to keep all these ladies away from me now that we’ve seen my true potential!

- Jack Asher

Fantasy Football

Football season is finally upon us.

This football season, however, is not like any previous season for me. This season, I am going to try my hand at Fantasy Football. Now, just so you all know, I have no clue what this fantasy football's all about. In fact, it's strange for me to associate the word "fantasy" with anything other than a 22 year old Norwegian named Wanda, a set of police issued handcuffs, and a rubber chicken - but those are my issues which will be worked out in due time. But here I am nonetheless, a stranger in a foreign land, about to play me some fake football.

Here's the deal though. I have no f*&king clue what I'm doing.

Don't get me wrong, I'm a big football fan. From late August through early February, you won't catch me anywhere on a Sunday except in front of a TV, ready to root on my New England Patriots. But do I know all of the Patriot's individual stats? Absolutely not. In fact, my 18 year old sister-in-law knows more about individual stats that I know.

It's not just my general lack of knowledge of football stats that worries me. I also don't even know how to play the game. I mean, it’s fake football. Imagine someone gave you a quiz on the rules of baseball. You'd probably ace it, right? Now imagine that person asked you what the rules are for fake baseball… where do you even begin?

I guess what I'm trying to say is, those of you who are in my fantasy football league this year, get ready for some cheating on my part. I'm pretty much going to go back to my roots from 5th grade history class - and copy the nerdy kid's test answers all season. It may not be the most ethical way of going about it, but I'm really running out of options here.


- Jack Asher