It’s not a big secret that Wifey works for one of the top 4 ballet companies in the country – the Boston Ballet. So really, no one should be surprised when I say that I’ve seen my fair share of ballets. But I have to come clean with something – I strongly feel that ballet is starting to eat away at my will to live.
Granted, not all of the activities that I like would be considered fun by Wifey – drinking until my face is numb being one example, or trying to fart the alphabet even. But none of my fun activities come close to being as torturous to Wifey as the ballet is to me.
Our agreement is this: The little lady will put up with all of my shenanigans throughout the year, which includes the above activities, if in return, I go to TWO ballets with her per year.
Sure, two ballets per year doesn’t sound all that bad –especially to all you women who read my blog. But I assure you, it’s an all out assault on my senses. Sitting in cramped seats for up to two and a half hours, staring at prancing ladies and buff dudes with no shirts, with their junk all but hanging out. Add to it the fact that the only alcoholic beverages at this event are served during a 10 minute intermission, at prices that would make a seasoned Fenway beer vendor blush – and you got yourself a motive for straight up domestic abuse (I’m kidding, domestic abuse is never funny… except in the south).
Don’t get me wrong – I love that Wifey loves the ballet, and I couldn’t be more proud of her achievements (which are numerous) at her place of employment. But couldn’t she have decided to work for NASCAR instead? I’d even take the Museum of Fine Arts over this. Sadly, it’s not the case.
So, it’s with a great amount of anxiety, and hopeless prayers for a tornado to hit Boston, that I tell you that this Friday, I will be attending Boston Ballet’s aptly named “The Nutcracker” with Wifey. Wish me luck.
SILVER LINING:
Although “The Nutcracker” is one of the ballets that I’ve agreed to go to this year, there is another one coming which I’ve agreed to attend. I don’t know the name of it, but apparently this new one features topless ballerinas. No joke. Replace the orchestra with Ted Nugent and you got yourself a date!
- Jack Asher
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