A Modern Day Biff

So, for the past several months, I've been spending a lot of time thinking about time travel. I don't even mean that I've been dreaming about it at night - I'd say that approximately 17% of my workday is spent thinking about time travel. Specifically, what if I could start over again yet retain all the knowledge I have accumulated over the years? What kind of changes would I have made as I grew up, and how would that shape the person I turned out to be.

I'll level with you, when these thoughts pop into my head, they don't have some existential undertones to it. Nope, these thoughts are all about how awesome my life would be.

Think about it - if I were born again back in 1984, but knew everything that I know today - I'd have such a head start. Sure, the first few years would be practically unbearable. I'd have to go through getting diapers changed again, which sucks. Of course I'd know how to wipe my own ass, but no one wants to see a baby who's completely independent, so I'd have to play ball.

So, although I'd have to deal with acting like a normal baby for the first 4 or 5 years, I could really get going once I turned six or so. Just pick up a guitar and play one of those songs that were popular in the mid nineties, only before anyone's ever heard it. I'd be an instant rock star. 7 year old girls would want me (to hold their hand), and 7 year old boys would want to be me. And that's just at age 7! Once I got into my teenage years, I would really be able to blossom into awesomeness - for starters, I'd completely avoid the entire awkward stage, which would be AWESOME!






All these things would really have a huge impact on my social life, no doubt... but think about the financial aspects of it. Back in '98, not too many people knew of a little place I like to call "Starbucks", I would probably put some of my piggy bank money into that, and watch it grow. Then when November of '07 comes around, just take all the money out of the market and keep cash around until, oh, I suppose March 6th, 2009. Remember Back to the Future II? I'm pretty sure that the moral of that story was to do the exact opposite of what I'm talking about here, but there's no way you could keep me away from becoming the next Biff. Hell, I'd even wear that red valour jumpsuit, just cause I could.







I realize that time-travel isn't possible just yet, and when/if it does become possible, I sure as hell won't be the one to discover it. But it's fun to think about. In the meantime, I suppose I'll just make like a tree, and get outta here.

- Jack Asher