When I drink at home, as I do from time to time, It's pretty much a sure thing that I'll be drinking by myself, on account that wifey doesn't drink. Wine's a good option for me because instead of feeling like an alcoholic with a glass of scotch, or like a redneck with a 6-pack, I can convince myself that I'm just keeping it classy with a glass or four of the ole' vino.
Yes, wine is a wondrous thing. I mean, try to name one other single type of liquor that you can buy by the case, and not have to worry that an intervention might be coming your way shortly.
But alas, for every one good thing I can say about wine, there's about ten awful things I can say about those who consume wine - the winos. These are the men and women who feel that it's their duty to ask you what you think about the acidity of a 2004 Pinot, or if you noticed the 'bouquet' on a Merlot.
REALLY?!? Are you truly that interest in my opinion on the friggin' acidity of the booze I'm drinking? Imagine trying to pull that crap at a bar with one of your friends...
"Hey dude - Whatcha think about those top notes on that Bud Light, huh?
Yeah - you can definitely tell that they're using the new Bavarian
hops."
I can guarantee you that this conversation will end in one of 3 ways:
1. Hopefully, your friend will punch you in your face. This will accomplish two things: It will remind you that no one cares about the subtleties of cheap beer, and it will hopefully remind you that snobbery is never welcomed at a bar.
2. You will find that although your friend leaves you in pursuit of a situation in which he doesn't want to hang himself, a whole other group of wino's surround you to talk about top notes, balance, and bouquets. After all, these wino's can sense when their own are amongst them.
3. Your friend is actually a closet wino, and will be thrilled that you brought up the top notes; in this case, it is not only your right, but your responsibility to punch him in the face in order to remind him that no one cares about the subtleties of cheap beer, and that snobbery is never welcomed at the bar.
To all of you innocent wine drinkers out there, hear my plea... Wine drinking can be a fun, but dangerous pastime. One day your drinking Franzia out of a box, the next thing you know, you're at a wine tasting wearing a beret and a turtleneck, spitting booze into a bucket as to not impair your senses. I mean come on! Impairing your senses is the reason booze was created in the first place! That's like going to a hockey game, and getting upset when a fight breaks out - it just doesn't make sense.
Do yourself a favor; if you feel that peer pressure might tempt you into changing your wine drinking habits from a small comfort, into a nauseating nuisance... stick to the scotch, cause I'll take being a bitter drunk over being a pretentious wino, any day of the week.
- Jack Asher
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