HOLY CRAP... WE'RE HAVING A BABY?!!?!??!!?

Yup, that’s what my reaction will most likely be like when we actually get pregnant, not that that will happen any time in the near future.

With my upcoming nuptials only a few months away, I’ve been doing a whole lot of thinking about what else is in store for me. Of course I’m extremely excited for the wedding, and about being married in general – and we’ve certainly talked about having kids in the future, and for that too, I’m excited. But when that fateful day comes… who knows what my initial reaction will be?



The first question: boy or girl?

Please God, don’t give us a girl first, and if you do… please be okay with me purchasing the following supplies: a shotgun, a chastity belt, and a cage (to be used from ages 12 – 30). I’m a protective guy in general, but having a daughter will push me off the edge. The rules of the house will be as follows: no make-up until after college, no dating until after high school, no skirts that fall short of the ankles. I’m sure there will be more additions, but I’m going to need some time to figure them all out.

Now, on the other hand, if my first child is a masculine child, the first purchase will be cigars (not for my friends and I, but for me to share with my son when he reaches the age of 4). The second stop will be at a Dicks Sporting Goods, where I will promptly purchase all the gear that a young man needs. Baseball gloves, bats, footballs, helmets, padding, Patriots and Red Sox jerseys, you know – the usual stuff.


Now, I know what you’re all thinking. Isn’t this a terrible double-standard? Why yes, yes it is. And I’m totally cool with that.



Then comes the question of how we afford these little monsters? Kids are expensive… they require food, clothing, and that’s just the start of it. Then you have to worry about college, and weddings and all that crap! No sir, not my kids. We’re going to go the old fashioned route: cloth diapers, and hand-me-downs until they reach voting age. And when they get made fun of in high school for rocking out the Bon Jovi Sweatshirt, they can tell their school bully that although they may not be fashion forward, at least their parents will be able to retire… that aught to teach them a lesson.

Of course, all of this will have to be discussed with wifey beforehand, 'cause if there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that communication is key in any relationship. But I’m pretty confident she’ll be on board with all of the aforementioned.

Perhaps we should start with a puppy?




- Jack Asher