Thanks For The Gorilla Gene, Pops

OK. I get it- ‘manscaping’ is just a part of life now, and we guys need to learn to live with it. After all, I guess we owe you women something after the hairiness of the 70’s. For the record, this manscaping should not be confused with metrosexuality – that awful piece of propaganda created by women and distributed through such programming as ‘sex in the city’. I mean, you women really missed the mark on that one… I know of no man that bought into that garbage.

No, the grooming that I’m referring to is simply that… grooming. But this isn’t as easy as you women might think it is. Men were created with hair in hard-to-reach places, like our backs. How the hell are we supposed to solve that issue? In a recent poll, 9 out of 10 men would rataher propose a workable plan to solve the problems of the Middle East before they would even considering taking on an issue as complex as the back hair debacle.

I, for one, am taking a stand on the grooming issue once and for all. We should take care of ourselves, the question is not whether we should or not… but rather, how do we attempt the impossible?

Shaving:

This is as natural of a grooming technique as I can think of. After all, we have been shaving our faces since we first saw the peach fuzz appear. But with this small comfort, comes a new dilemma. Sure, shaving’s easy, but unlike the hairs on our chinny-chin-chins, the hair on our chest, shoulders, and back, do not have the same properties. Sure, if we shave in the morning, we get the inevitable 3 o’clock shadow… but these shadows do not come in more coarse or thick than they did in the morning.

I don’t get it, it’s as if our body hair is some kind of mythological beast – you cut one, and three stronger one’s sprout up in their place.

Even if it wasn’t for this strange physiological property of body hair, there’s still another issue with shaving. Our arms were just not meant to stretch to those hard-to-reach areas. Which means that if you women want us to be groomed using shaving as the primary method… you better be willing to get your hands dirty.

Waxing:

This medieval-like tactic is just cruel and unusual. However, in the quest for the perfectly groomed body, I’ve undergone this brutal experience, and am willing to share my experiences with you. For the squeamish amongst you, you may want to skip this section.

So, in I go to a very reputable salon in Boston, I meet the lady that will be doing the deed (and think to myself... this woman has no idea what she's gotten herseslf into today), and in we go. The woman starts by waxing my abdomen, and I have to say, I had no idea what I was so worried about! Sure, it hurt a little bit, but all in all, it was sooo much better than I expected.

Then, slowly, she started going up the torso. The first section of chest hair that this woman ripped off my skin was very close to being the last. It hurt more than words can say. I can say with total confidence, that every time a chest section was ripped out, a fairy lost its wings. And this went on for the rest of the time I was there. By the time I was done, the table that I was lying down on was so sweat soaked, it looked as though someone had just been tortured. And they had been.




If the pain wasn’t bad enough, the results of being waxed were just as bad, if not worse. I expected to be red for a day or two - and I was red for the first day. What I did not expect, was to have a week-long rash that would make me as appealing as a leper. Scratch that, LESS appealing than a leper – I’m pretty sure that a leper would look like a tickle-me-elmo when compared to the likes of me.

All in all, waxing is out.




Laser hair removal –

Ok, this is something that I have not attempted just yet, mostly due to the finances involved. I’ve certainly read several reviews about it though, and I'm unsure how I feel about it.

Apparently, it takes SEVERAL sessions for this treatment to work, and it’s not guaranteed to work on everyone. Moreover, these sessions costs a ton of money. I’m all about looking good without a shirt on, but I’m not prepared to take a mortgage out for it.

‘Sorry honey, can’t pay for heat this month – gotto look good on the beach this summer!’

Having said that, if I were a wealthy man – hells yeah I’d try this out, but I’d make sure to get some kind of guarantee before I did anything. You want $5,000 to make me hairless? Fine, but for every hair the pops up after the procedure, I want $10 back.




Nair –

I’m not going to go into any detail on this one. You honestly think that if I had a reaction to waxing like I did, I’m going to pour chemicals designed to burn hair all over my body? Investigative blogging only goes so far.




In conclusion, each man has to decide for himself what the best route is for his own grooming. Whether that be the use of a razor, or a weed-whacker, the deed must be done.







- Jack Asher