Good news for Tillikum, the Killer Whale

SeaWorld announced today that they refuse to release Tillikum, the killer whale, into the wild. They also announced that they will not be putting Tillikum down.

Good news for Tillikum, Bad news for Tillikums new trainer.

- Jack Asher

New Coffee Machine

There’s a new coffee machine in our office. Under normal circumstances, I’d just go about my day-to-day life; cursing this job for being awful, drinking the stale coffee, and counting down the years left to retirement (40 left!). But there’s something different about this coffee machine. IT MAKES HOT CHOCOLATE!!! This is no mere machine, not to me it isn’t. It’s more like a dream weaver in disguise as a coffee machine.

Feeling sad? No worries, I’ve got just the thing for you – how ‘bout some gratis hot chocolate?

This gives me a whole new outlook on working for this company. I mean, so what if the work I do every day gives no meaning to me whatsoever, and doesn’t even hint at promoting personal growth? And who needs a match on the ole’ 401K anyway? Now that I’ve got my cup-o-cocoa, I think I might just be a lifer at this here company.

I immediately take back everything I’ve ever said about this job sucking- even that bit about those annoying, middle-aged coworkers of mine. After all, 47 is the new 25, right?


- Jack Asher

Wow Mommy, that whale trainer sure is holding her breath for a long time!

All right, I am definitely aware that this story is old news by now. Every Tom, Dick, and Harry out there with a computer or TV knows about Telly’s ‘accident’ with his trainer.

This tragedy has caused me to think about other similar fatalities when man thinks it can tame beast. I think there’s a valuable lesson to be learned here… you want to play with an animal? Get a puppy.

2003: Sigfried and Roy
I’m no wildlife biologist or anything, but my guess is that if you make a friggin’ tiger jump through flaming hoops, you’re just asking for this one. I’m sure it didn’t help that their hairstyles were straight from the 80’s. Some dude with a mullet and a spray-tan tells me to balance on a ball, I’m bound to maul his ass too.


2006: Steve Erwin

The Croc Hunter gets killed by a sting ray. Nobody saw this coming. Guy spends the majority of his life playing with poisonous snakes and putting his head in crocodile’s jaws, and he dies while snorkeling? That’s just crazy. Of course, we know where the story goes from here…. Thousands of college students being a dead Steve Erwin for Halloween, and those who weren’t clever enough to think of it saying “too soon, man”.


2009: Celebrity Chimp Mauls Woman in Connecticut

I’ve got mixed feelings on this one. On one hand, the chimp is as cute as a button. I mean, look at it! Who wouldn’t want to play with a monkey? On the other hand, it’s a pretty well known fact that monkeys have near super-human strength - Might not one to mess with it. It’s also a well known fact that they like throwing their own feces for fun, but who am I to judge?


Point and case… if you want to play with a wild animal, that’s your call, but don’t be surprised when Shamu eats you.


In related news: SeaWorld, in attempt to bring back there frightened customers, are lobbying to change the name of the well known Orca from “Killer Whale” to “Snuggly Whale”



- Jack Asher

Today is going to be a good day

Normally, Tuesdays are my least favorite day of the week. Monday is bearable because you have some catching up to do, so it goes by pretty quickly. Wednesday's the middle of the week, so you can always be happy that the work week is halfway over, and Thursday and Friday you can always just clump together as 'the end of the week'. But Tuesdays? They're awful.

But not today.

No siree, I am nothing but smiles today, because not one, but BOTH of the annoying, middle aged women who sit directly behind me at work are not in today. While I'm not sure that this will lead to increased productivity (I'm guessing no), or the day going bye faster, I can't help but revel in the fact that I won't have to listen to their voices, which can only be compared to cheese graters doing their worse on my brain.

There will be no talk about how smart one of their two year old boys are. Listen, I get that you're a proud parent, but a kid being able to say "I make mess" isn't exactly on par with Einstein's theory of relativity. I'll put any of my nieces or nephews up against this wonder-child any day of the week, we'll see how smart he is then.

And then of course, I'll be missing out on the talk about how "our compensation plans aren't fair" or how this guy is getting more money than I am and he's doing less work? You know what? I'm not making as much money as I'd like either. It'd be great if I could walk in and demand a 6 figure salary, but it's just not in the cards now, is it? Quit you're bitchin' and get back to work.

Anime Convention, here I come!

Every spring, we Bostonians know that there are certain happenings that we can always expect. As the snow starts melting, and we slowly wear fewer and fewer layers as we venture outside, we can expect to see the students start to pack up there belongings to make the long, sobering, journey back home; we can expect to fall in love with the Red Sox all over again, and of course, we know that we can always count on the Anime convention to come to town to put a few smiles on our faces.

This April, the Northeast’s largest Anime convention convenes in the heart of Boston, right at the Hynes Convention center. Our T’s are overrun with individuals dressed in their best warfare attire, prepared to fight for whatever fictional land they are sworn to protect. Our restaurants are filled with these cat-ear wearing, tin-foil sword bearing men and women of all ages. Like a holy trip to Mecca, these costumed pilgrims are not doing this to cause a stir, or for their own personal gains, but because they are part of something bigger. They are part of a community.

I have never been a fan of anime, or Japanimation, as I prefer to call it. I don’t like the comics, or the movies, and I on most occasions, the idea of assembling a cardboard arsenal just doesn’t motivate me.

No, I’m not a fan of Anime at all. I am, however, a huge fan of being the center of attention.

Now - these people must really be pretty socially awkward, right? From what I’ve seen of these convention goers (and admittedly, I’ve only seen a handful), they’re not exactly the same group of social butterfly’s that fill the bars and other venues that I frequent.

This is a huge opportunity for me. The way I figure, I can either be the small fish in the big pond that is normalcy, OR, I can be the huge fish in the small pond that is the anime convention. Me being the outgoing guy that I am, well, I’m sure I can round me up some friends in no time!

The decision has been made. This April, I’m going to purchase me a fluorescent colored wig, don a faux-leather coat, and glue me on a nice furry tail. And then I’m going to strut myself to that convention, and I’m not coming out of that place until I’m the most popular Pokémon look-a-like that the anime community has ever seen! All I want to know is… who’s coming with me!?!

Stay tuned for what is bound to be some AWESOME pictures.



- Jack Asher

A Cult-Like Following, Minus The "Cult"

Not for nothin', but I'm working my ass off writing all these blogs. you think it's easy for me to take precious time out of a job I dislike to write these for you? Well, that part is pretty easy I guess... But it is pretty difficult to come upw ith new ideas on an almost-daily basis! Actually, I get a lot of help with the ideas. But still!

Here I was, a naïve blogger, thinking that my wit and charm alone would carry my message to the masses. Well, I know that it’s not my wit, or my charm that’s the problem - that’s just crazy talk - so using the power of deduction, I can tell you with utmost certainty, it’s got to be your fault.

It is kind of depressing seeing that out of my 7 “followers” on this blog, 5 of which are my sisters, 1 is my fiancée, and the last 1 is someone I wrote about in one of my earlier blogs. This blog has been up now for about a month all ready! By my calculation, I should have approximately a bazillion follower by now.

I’m really just thinking that I may stop writing these blogs unless I see some immediate changes here (hint: I definitely won’t stop writing these blogs… I like reading my own thoughts way too much).

I implore you, oh readers of mine, in the spirit of our national pride during these Olympics, spread the news of this blog, but please don't do it for me... do it for you're country!

U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!!!!



- Jack Asher

CNN: "Avatar joins the struggle in Bil'in"

http://www.ireport.com/docs/DOC-408462?hpt=C2



Of course... I mean, why wouldn't Palestinians dress up as aliens from a fictional movie during a very real battle with Israel. It's a timeless story.

Reminds me of that time where I dressed up like the Terminator (Terminator 2, of course) while trying to get my neighbor to pick up his dogs crap from my yard.

A Totally normal response, I'd say.

In related news: What the F*** is going on?


- Jack Asher

I Want To Do a Triathlon - Wait, What?

I have this buddy, been friends with him for a long time now. He and I were hanging out the other night, when out of nowhere, he told me, “you know what, Jack, I want to complete a triathlon”.

It’s not exactly a secret that my buddy really likes to work out. He gets in foul moods when he skips the gym for a period longer than a couple days, so much so that if he were to ever stop going to the gym, I don’t even know if I could stand being around him. So at this point, you may be thinking… it only makes sense for him to want to do a triathlon. There are just a couple slight problems:

He hates running. Sure, he does it to keep in shape and get his cardio in – but he certainly doesn’t enjoy it. Even if he did enjoy it, when he runs, he only goes for 3 or 4 miles at most! That’s nowhere near where he needs to be for this level of racing. A full marathon isn’t exactly in his foreseeable future.

The guy doesn’t own a bike. Not only does he not own a bike, he also never uses the stationary bike at the gym. Pretty much, the last time he rode a bike regularly was before he got his drivers license – about 10 years ago! Good luck riding 112 miles, buddy.

He’s never swam a long distance in his life. Sure, during the summer he horses around in the pool like the rest of us – but that’s usually limited to playing chicken, or practicing his cannonballs. Not exactly the level of athleticism needed for a 2.4 mile swim.


But what can I say to this guy? I mean, he really has his heart set on this… So, I guess I’ll just let him find out the hard way that there’s no way in hell that he’s ever going to accomplish this lofty quest.

Now, here's the twist...

Ok, there is no friend. This was totally an internal debate I was having. Don’t act all high and mighty - like you don’t have full length conversations with yourself.

Sure, it’d be awesome to be able to say that I’ve completed a full triathlon, but let’s be honest… it’s totally not happening. The way that I train at the gym is totally counter productive for what is required to do a triathlon. So, for now, I’ll have to be content working out at the gym, getting in my limited cardio, and spend my summer days perfecting the ole’ cannonball.

Al Gore VS. Captain Planet

Bio’s

Al Gore, author and documentarian of “An Inconvenient Truth” is a world renown environmental activist. He’s brought the topic of global warming to the front of millions of Americans minds, and has helped inspire a nation to replace our light bulbs.

Captain Planet is a super-hero who, when summoned by the Planeteers, uses his powers to stop pollution, radiation, and smog. He can often be seen sporting a green hair style, and thwarting his enemies with his awesomely wry sense of humor.







Military Service Record:

Al Gore: Served in Vietnam between 1969 and 1971, as a journalist. Lame.

Captain Planet: While it’s not clear which campaigns Capt. Planet was involved in, we know that he must have served, and done considerable things. You don’t become a “Captain” overnight… it takes some serious badass-ness. My guess is that he served in the Navy.

Score: Gore 0 Capt. Planet 1








Powers:

Al Gore: Uses the Power of PowerPoint Presentation (and possibly alliteration). Not everyone can put together a slideshow as comprehensive as that.

Captain Planet: Flight, the use of the elements – wind, fire, water, earth - and heart? Last time I checked, heart wasn’t an element. Really, it’s just an organ. You know, Planet, you really shot yourself in the foot on this one. Normally, the power of flight would have put you way over the top, but don’t go throwing heart in there like no one can see it – you’re better than that.

Score : Gore: 1 Capt. Planet: 1






Nemesis:

Al Gore: George Bush, Circa 2000 elections

Captain Planet: Toxicity, radiation, smog.

Honestly Planet, time to step up your A-game! How are you going to go and fight pollution if every time you get around the stuff you start having Asthma attacks? Not very super-hero like.

Score: Gore 2 Capt. Planet 1





Recent Accomplishments:

Al Gore: Nobel Peace Prize, Sold millions of books. Typically, I’d say that this would be a huge advantage for Gore, but then I thought about a couple of other people that have accomplished similar feats recently.... Obama won that Nobel after being in office for less than 1 year, and Sarah Palin has sold millions of books. Not so impressive anymore, is it?

Captain Planet: Being able to stay memorable even in the 21st century.

Score: Gore 2 Capt. Planet 2






Fan Base:

Al Gore: Millions, and still growing

Captain Planet: Dwindling in recent years.

Final Score: Gore 3 Capt. Planet 2





WINNER: Al Gore

Sorry Capt. Planet, but with our powers combined, you’re still not as impressive as a middle aged, tree-hugging, Democrat.








- Jack Asher

HOLY CRAP... WE'RE HAVING A BABY?!!?!??!!?

Yup, that’s what my reaction will most likely be like when we actually get pregnant, not that that will happen any time in the near future.

With my upcoming nuptials only a few months away, I’ve been doing a whole lot of thinking about what else is in store for me. Of course I’m extremely excited for the wedding, and about being married in general – and we’ve certainly talked about having kids in the future, and for that too, I’m excited. But when that fateful day comes… who knows what my initial reaction will be?



The first question: boy or girl?

Please God, don’t give us a girl first, and if you do… please be okay with me purchasing the following supplies: a shotgun, a chastity belt, and a cage (to be used from ages 12 – 30). I’m a protective guy in general, but having a daughter will push me off the edge. The rules of the house will be as follows: no make-up until after college, no dating until after high school, no skirts that fall short of the ankles. I’m sure there will be more additions, but I’m going to need some time to figure them all out.

Now, on the other hand, if my first child is a masculine child, the first purchase will be cigars (not for my friends and I, but for me to share with my son when he reaches the age of 4). The second stop will be at a Dicks Sporting Goods, where I will promptly purchase all the gear that a young man needs. Baseball gloves, bats, footballs, helmets, padding, Patriots and Red Sox jerseys, you know – the usual stuff.


Now, I know what you’re all thinking. Isn’t this a terrible double-standard? Why yes, yes it is. And I’m totally cool with that.



Then comes the question of how we afford these little monsters? Kids are expensive… they require food, clothing, and that’s just the start of it. Then you have to worry about college, and weddings and all that crap! No sir, not my kids. We’re going to go the old fashioned route: cloth diapers, and hand-me-downs until they reach voting age. And when they get made fun of in high school for rocking out the Bon Jovi Sweatshirt, they can tell their school bully that although they may not be fashion forward, at least their parents will be able to retire… that aught to teach them a lesson.

Of course, all of this will have to be discussed with wifey beforehand, 'cause if there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that communication is key in any relationship. But I’m pretty confident she’ll be on board with all of the aforementioned.

Perhaps we should start with a puppy?




- Jack Asher

The Winter Olympics are here? Wake me up for the summer games.

I’ll be honest with you. The last time I had ANY interest in bobsledding whatsoever, was when the Jamaicans had a bobsled team. “Feel the rhythm, feel the rhyme, get on up, it’s bobsled time!!!”.








Really though, I have absolutely no interest in winter Olympics because, well, all of the events are lame.

Figure skating, bobsledding, ice skating, biathlon… who cares? And to make matters worse, these games are interrupting my normal TV programming! Is there no justice!?!

Good idea, Olympic board… create an event that unlike we have ever seen before. An event like a professional hockey tournament, nobody’s ever seen hockey like this before!?! Oh wait, what’s that? You mean people have seen hockey like this before? In the NHL? Oh, right, that Stanley Cup thing.

I know, how ‘bout you do something more edgy, how about a ski jumping event, and we’ll even through in snowboarding so that today’s youth can get into it! BRILLIANT! Wait, wait, wait – what’s all this about the X Games? You mean they all ready have something like this that happens every single year?

Look, I’m as patriotic as they come. I hope that America brings home the gold in every event there is… just don’t expect to watch this crap.





- Jack Asher

Oh, To Be A Part Of The Minority...

Whoa whoa whoa, you totally read that title wrong. I’m not talking about being part of a racial, ethnic, or even religious minority here. I’m talking about something that almost EVERYONE can relate to. I’m talking about being one of the rare few, the elite, who actually enjoy going to work.

I know I shouldn’t complain. At least I have a job right now, which given the state of the economy over the past two years is a feat in and of itself. But taking a look back through my years of employment, I can definitely tell you that it’s been a rarity for me to actually enjoy my work – and this is coming from a guy who’s had a LOT of jobs.

Here is just a brief smattering of the jobs that I’ve held in the past, and my rating of them (1-5 with 1 being the worst job, and 5 being the best).




Subway Sandwich Artist (4) – That’s right, I was an artist with those cold cuts. A genuine Rembrandt with the veggies, and when it came to an Italian sub – Leonardo da Vinci himself would be left speechless. This job certainly didn’t pay well, but that’s to be expected. It was my first job, and I loved it all the same. Besides, what does a 15 year old need a paycheck for anyway?



Snow Removal/Construction/Various other manual labor (2) – After seeing “Good Will Hunting”, I was totally expecting to become best friends with Ben Aflec. Sadly, it was not meant to be.

Starbucks Barista (5) – Well, I didn't exactly have the standard corporate experience while at Starbucks. For the majority of my time there, we were without a manager, and 21 year olds were running the place. I have to say, TazoBerry and vodka mix better than you might think.

Drive-Thru convenience store clerk (4) – Who would have thought that drinking on the job would be so well-received when you have ex-convicts as your shift supervisors? The downside: I now wake up screaming in the middle of the night after hearing some of their more ‘romantic’ stories.





Night Janitor (3) – This job would have been great if it wasn’t for the fact that it required me to be awake from 11:00 through 3:00, three nights a week during high school. I may have failed my French test, but at least I know that I can empty the trash bins of an office in 30 seconds flat! You can’t put a grade on that kind of pride.




Nude Model (2) – Ok, I feel like I should explain this one. First off, it was for college art classes, so you’re not going to see me in any smut magazines. Secondly, it was a desperate situation. Here I was a freshman in college, without any beer money. A friend of mine told me that they’re always hiring for this kind of work, so I went for it. Not as fun as you might think… it’s not easy holding a pose for 10 minutes with a bunch of college kids staring at your nether regions.


Waiter (5) – There’s nothing better than being a waiter while in college. You make great money, you don’t have much responsibility, and there’s never a dull night. I once worked on Valentines Day, and had to wait a table where the girl had obviously just dumped the guy. To you sir, I say man-up… no one needs a blabbering, teary eyed dude ruining the vibe for the rest of us. And to you Miss, I say – Heyyyy, I noticed that you’re not seeing anyone… no one should be alone on Valentines day ;-)

Telemarketer (0) – You know how much you hate getting phone calls while you’re eating dinner? Well the guys and gals calling you, they hate it just as much. The only difference is that while you get to scream obscenities at the caller, we just sit there and take it, and die a little on the inside.



Financial Advisor (2) – Here I am thinking that I’m going to be the next Gordon Gekko, The head honcho on wall street, the guy that everyone wants to be. And then they go and drop the bomb on me… you mean I don’t start out with a 6 figure salary, and I have to work how many hours? F&%k that noise, I’m outta here.


Business Development Representative (3) – Here’s one of those jobs where the title is much more impressive than the job itself. Really, I’m a glorified salesman. Only, not too glorified – I’m just a salesman really. It’s a vicious cycle, I keep getting these sales jobs that I hate, but the more of them I get, the harder it is to convince people that I’d be good at a non-sales job. Irony: 1 Jack Asher: 0







Know of anyone that’s hiring?


- Jack Asher

The Mother F*@kin' M.O.H

My sister desperately wants to get married... it's borderline scary how badly she wants it. And, to be quite honest, I don't think she's too far away of dragging her boyfriend to the altar, or Chuppah, as we Jews call it.

This post really isn't about my sister though, it's all about me, as it should be.

This sister and I happen to be very close. In fact, I'd go as far to say that she's one of my best friends. She's a great drinking buddy, and, well... she's just a fantastic drinking buddy.

It is for this reason, that I want to be the Man of Honor, or M.O.H. at her wedding.

Hear me out - not only would I be a fantastic M.O.H. for reasons I'll get into shortly, but this would solve a huge issue in her wedding planning. Since there are 4 other sisters in the family, it would be unfair for her to choose one of those sisters over another. I'm the black sheep in the family! By picking me as the M.O.H., she would avoid the potential family feud that might ensue.

But there are several other reasons that I would be a fantastic M.O.H. For instance, I'm just more fun that anyone else she knows, plain and simple.

Even if she chose a M.O.H. from outside the family... I've met most of her friends, and I'm definitely more fun that all of them combined! Think about it. The wedding shower? I'd be great at setting this up! I love entertaining, and I can surely be trusted to put something together that is both classy, and fun.

Perhaps I would hire a Mariachi band as the entertainment - and I'm just thinking out loud here. Nothing spells class and entertainment like sombrero wearing musicians playing over sized guitars.

There might be an issue with the bachelorette party, being as how I refuse to hire male strippers or allowing drunken men to get anywhere near my drunken sister. But hey, I can still have a good time. Hell, I might even enlist one of her friends for this, so that I don't have to be witness to the debauchery, and she can still have a good time. I'm totally flexible, as a good M.O.H. should be.

And as a final point, I'd like to point out that one of the major responsibilities of the M.O.H. is to make a toast at the wedding itself. THAT IS TOTALLY IN MY WHEELHOUSE!!!!! I mean, the perfect toast is funny, but endearing - it's charming, but not conceited. Put me in coach, I'm ready!!!

There is one condition, however, for me being the M.O.H. The wardrobe needs to be addressed. Typically, the M.O.H. will wear the same dress as the rest of the bridesmaids. Well, good luck getting me into a dress – not with these skinny legs of mine. But then, I can't just wear what the groomsmen are wearing either, cause then people won't understand the gravity of my role as the M.O.H. I think that I should wear a similar tux as the groomsmen, but different enough for people to know what’s up.

How about….





- Jack Asher

100% chance of snow - are you SURE, weather channel?

It's final - I am never trusting weather.com, accu-weather, or the weather channel, ever again.





I only wish that I had thought to capture that picture on their website yesterday. You know - the one that said that the chance of snow starting at 1:00PM was 100%.



Now, I'm no statemagician, but I was under the impression that 100% was typically a sure thing. As in, I am 100% sure, that's it's barely misting outside right now, let alone the blizzard that was promised.

Now you have gone and done it. I'm not mad at you, weather.com, I'm just disappointed in you.

- Jack Asher

Save the fat kids!!!

In a White House press conference yesterday, Michelle Obama, with the support of an appointed task force, addressed the nation and spoke about their plans to ‘tackle childhood obesity’. Michelle, my hat goes off to you.

Of course, this is not the first time that the topic of childhood obesity has been brought up in recent years. With the NFL’s “play 60’ – which urges people to give children at least 60 minutes of play time per day – there’s absolutely no doubt in anyone’s mind that this issue needs to be addressed.

While some of the tactics being suggested in Washington are impressive, I believe that there are additional methods in which to urge America’s youth to stray away from McDonalds, and embrace a healthier lifestyle. This new presidential initiative is calling for $10 Billion to be spent over 10 years, starting in 2011. But let’s face the facts… 10 years is a long time, if you want little Timmy to be the next contestant on ‘The Biggest Loser’, by all means, take 10 years to make a difference. Here are a few ideas to make the difference today.





A Modern Day Popeye

I don’t know about any of you, but Popeye was a staple of my childhood. In fact, I have a vivid memory of asking my mom to make spinach at every meal, so that I could have muscles like Popeye. If there was a popular TV show, portraying healthy foods as being cool – our job as adults would be cut in half.

As a side note, perhaps this new TV show should not have the main character smoking a pipe all day long – might send mix messages.






The truffle shuffle

There’s no better deterrent than public humiliation. Back in the day, people would be held in stocks when they were caught in their misdemeanors. Not only did this punish the criminals, but it acted as a warning to those who might have considered a life of sin.

Now, I’m not suggesting that our heavier kids be locked up – that would just be unethical – no, what I’m suggesting is that those kids that we deem unhealthy should be asked to do a public performance of the truffle shuffle, perhaps on a weekly basis. If this doesn’t make the kids want to get healthier, than I don’t know what will. Moreover, this will not only act as deterrent for other kids who may be at risk, but be a little reward for those who are able to stay fit. Cause really, who doesn’t like watching the truffle shuffle?

HEY YOU GUYS!!!!!!!










Recess Boot Camp

Recess was a fun time for me when I was a youngin’. My friends and I would often times be seeing playing tag, kickball, or just running around in youthful merriment.

The problem with recess is that it is up to the individual to decide whether or not he or she would like to participate in the activity of the day. While some of the fit kids might go around running and playing, there was no guarantee that the fatty of the class wouldn’t be just sitting there eating his cheetos.

I say we take a page out of the military’s book. You know what you’re looking at when you see the army doing their drills? You’re looking at consistency – everyone doing the same thing in the same manner. You know what you don’t see much of? Fat kids.





The old Carrot on the Stick Trick

OK, to be honest… there is no part of me that says this would actually work. But hey, it’d be fun to see, right?





While some people might look at some of my solutions and think that I’m just being mean, my hope is that the majority will realize that I’m doing this because, well… I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way. Show them all the beauty they possess inside.

- Jack Asher, with a little help from Whitney Houston

Wine - The Pretentious Mans Beer

I like Wine.



When I drink at home, as I do from time to time, It's pretty much a sure thing that I'll be drinking by myself, on account that wifey doesn't drink. Wine's a good option for me because instead of feeling like an alcoholic with a glass of scotch, or like a redneck with a 6-pack, I can convince myself that I'm just keeping it classy with a glass or four of the ole' vino.


Yes, wine is a wondrous thing. I mean, try to name one other single type of liquor that you can buy by the case, and not have to worry that an intervention might be coming your way shortly.


But alas, for every one good thing I can say about wine, there's about ten awful things I can say about those who consume wine - the winos. These are the men and women who feel that it's their duty to ask you what you think about the acidity of a 2004 Pinot, or if you noticed the 'bouquet' on a Merlot.


REALLY?!? Are you truly that interest in my opinion on the friggin' acidity of the booze I'm drinking? Imagine trying to pull that crap at a bar with one of your friends...

"Hey dude - Whatcha think about those top notes on that Bud Light, huh?
Yeah - you can definitely tell that they're using the new Bavarian
hops."

I can guarantee you that this conversation will end in one of 3 ways:



1. Hopefully, your friend will punch you in your face. This will accomplish two things: It will remind you that no one cares about the subtleties of cheap beer, and it will hopefully remind you that snobbery is never welcomed at a bar.



2. You will find that although your friend leaves you in pursuit of a situation in which he doesn't want to hang himself, a whole other group of wino's surround you to talk about top notes, balance, and bouquets. After all, these wino's can sense when their own are amongst them.



3. Your friend is actually a closet wino, and will be thrilled that you brought up the top notes; in this case, it is not only your right, but your responsibility to punch him in the face in order to remind him that no one cares about the subtleties of cheap beer, and that snobbery is never welcomed at the bar.





To all of you innocent wine drinkers out there, hear my plea... Wine drinking can be a fun, but dangerous pastime. One day your drinking Franzia out of a box, the next thing you know, you're at a wine tasting wearing a beret and a turtleneck, spitting booze into a bucket as to not impair your senses. I mean come on! Impairing your senses is the reason booze was created in the first place! That's like going to a hockey game, and getting upset when a fight breaks out - it just doesn't make sense.




Do yourself a favor; if you feel that peer pressure might tempt you into changing your wine drinking habits from a small comfort, into a nauseating nuisance... stick to the scotch, cause I'll take being a bitter drunk over being a pretentious wino, any day of the week.

- Jack Asher

Thanks For The Gorilla Gene, Pops

OK. I get it- ‘manscaping’ is just a part of life now, and we guys need to learn to live with it. After all, I guess we owe you women something after the hairiness of the 70’s. For the record, this manscaping should not be confused with metrosexuality – that awful piece of propaganda created by women and distributed through such programming as ‘sex in the city’. I mean, you women really missed the mark on that one… I know of no man that bought into that garbage.

No, the grooming that I’m referring to is simply that… grooming. But this isn’t as easy as you women might think it is. Men were created with hair in hard-to-reach places, like our backs. How the hell are we supposed to solve that issue? In a recent poll, 9 out of 10 men would rataher propose a workable plan to solve the problems of the Middle East before they would even considering taking on an issue as complex as the back hair debacle.

I, for one, am taking a stand on the grooming issue once and for all. We should take care of ourselves, the question is not whether we should or not… but rather, how do we attempt the impossible?

Shaving:

This is as natural of a grooming technique as I can think of. After all, we have been shaving our faces since we first saw the peach fuzz appear. But with this small comfort, comes a new dilemma. Sure, shaving’s easy, but unlike the hairs on our chinny-chin-chins, the hair on our chest, shoulders, and back, do not have the same properties. Sure, if we shave in the morning, we get the inevitable 3 o’clock shadow… but these shadows do not come in more coarse or thick than they did in the morning.

I don’t get it, it’s as if our body hair is some kind of mythological beast – you cut one, and three stronger one’s sprout up in their place.

Even if it wasn’t for this strange physiological property of body hair, there’s still another issue with shaving. Our arms were just not meant to stretch to those hard-to-reach areas. Which means that if you women want us to be groomed using shaving as the primary method… you better be willing to get your hands dirty.

Waxing:

This medieval-like tactic is just cruel and unusual. However, in the quest for the perfectly groomed body, I’ve undergone this brutal experience, and am willing to share my experiences with you. For the squeamish amongst you, you may want to skip this section.

So, in I go to a very reputable salon in Boston, I meet the lady that will be doing the deed (and think to myself... this woman has no idea what she's gotten herseslf into today), and in we go. The woman starts by waxing my abdomen, and I have to say, I had no idea what I was so worried about! Sure, it hurt a little bit, but all in all, it was sooo much better than I expected.

Then, slowly, she started going up the torso. The first section of chest hair that this woman ripped off my skin was very close to being the last. It hurt more than words can say. I can say with total confidence, that every time a chest section was ripped out, a fairy lost its wings. And this went on for the rest of the time I was there. By the time I was done, the table that I was lying down on was so sweat soaked, it looked as though someone had just been tortured. And they had been.




If the pain wasn’t bad enough, the results of being waxed were just as bad, if not worse. I expected to be red for a day or two - and I was red for the first day. What I did not expect, was to have a week-long rash that would make me as appealing as a leper. Scratch that, LESS appealing than a leper – I’m pretty sure that a leper would look like a tickle-me-elmo when compared to the likes of me.

All in all, waxing is out.




Laser hair removal –

Ok, this is something that I have not attempted just yet, mostly due to the finances involved. I’ve certainly read several reviews about it though, and I'm unsure how I feel about it.

Apparently, it takes SEVERAL sessions for this treatment to work, and it’s not guaranteed to work on everyone. Moreover, these sessions costs a ton of money. I’m all about looking good without a shirt on, but I’m not prepared to take a mortgage out for it.

‘Sorry honey, can’t pay for heat this month – gotto look good on the beach this summer!’

Having said that, if I were a wealthy man – hells yeah I’d try this out, but I’d make sure to get some kind of guarantee before I did anything. You want $5,000 to make me hairless? Fine, but for every hair the pops up after the procedure, I want $10 back.




Nair –

I’m not going to go into any detail on this one. You honestly think that if I had a reaction to waxing like I did, I’m going to pour chemicals designed to burn hair all over my body? Investigative blogging only goes so far.




In conclusion, each man has to decide for himself what the best route is for his own grooming. Whether that be the use of a razor, or a weed-whacker, the deed must be done.







- Jack Asher

Obama's gots jokes

As I sit here watching President Obama's approval rating plummet, I think to myself, could this have been preventable? It's been my experience that even in the most dire of situations, a little laughter goes a long way; a strategy that President Obama clearly agrees with, given his presidential State of the Union last week. But even with his well placed jokes - the division between the aisle was as clear as ever - but fret no more, Mr. President, I'm here to help.

Dear Mr. President,


I, like millions of other Americans, was glued to my TV last Wednesday to watch you speak about the issues our great nation is facing right now. On one hand, a congratulations in is order - you spoke clearly and decisively on policies that should come to be during your administrations reign, to help America maintain its status as a world leader - from the fines on big banks, to tossing out the "don't ask don't tell" policy, and maintaining that there still needs to be reform in our health care system - your stance was both strong and passionate. On these political issues, all I can say is, Bravo sir.


There is, however, an area that can use a little improvement from where I sit, sir. I couldn't help but notice, sir, that you were making a few jokes at the podium - clearly an attempt to ease the tension. While I certainly got a kick out of some of these jokes, as did parts of congress - I honestly think that this aspect of your address came up a little weak, and I mean that with the utmost respect, Mr. President.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u2u-uMF7AOM


Let me suggest, your eminence, that you take me on as a staff writer. Sure, leave all the talk about policy to your current writers - but I can promise you that your jokes will never fall on deaf ears again. That's right, when I'm done, the left side of the aisle, and the right, will be so smitten by you're charm and humor, that they'll sing any legislature you put in front of them, like the yes-men they're supposed to be. Here are a few suggestions for you to test out...


- You are in a unique position, one that no other president has found themselves in before. I'm not sure if you're aware of this sir, but you're black. Do you have any idea how many doors this opens for you?!? A white guy such as myself could never attempt a black joke in public without being accused of being racist. Just picture Richard Nixon at the podium asking congress, "What's the difference between a black man and a large pizza...?" - It just would never work! But you sir, if you threw in a black joke to begin the state of the state of the union, you would surely gain the respect of all those leaders who appreciate a good black joke - but could never say it aloud due to the political risk.


- Make a joke at the first lady's expense. Sure, the self-effacing jokes work once in a while - but what are the real costs of such a joke? While it gets a few laughs out of congress - this type of joke simply undermines you and your role as the leader of the free world. By making fun of the first lady, you're not attacking the republicans or democrats in the room, and not weakening your own position. Michelle's a great target for a laugh because it doesn't alienate anyone - well, except for Michelle, of course. May I also suggest some flowers for the first lady to be given as an apology shortly after the speech? If I know the first lady, and I'm pretty sure do, I think she'll understand that this situation was in the best interest of our nation.


- Finally, Mr. President, I suggest that you alleviate the heavy hearts of congress, and of Americans everywhere by making light of some of the burdens we're facing. No one wants to be reminded that we're facing a national deficit that will most likely effect our children and grandchildren - and it certainly won't help in bringing any congressmen to a case of the giggles. Perhaps draw a comparison between the current state, and something, much, much worse. Try this on for size:


"The deficit may be bad, but at least we don't have a 3rd term with 'W'."


So, Sir, I ask you to think about this offer carefully. It's not every day that you get something completely unqualified to join your writing staff. All I ask in return, Sir, is fair compensation, and that you refer to me as your "homie".


Respectfully yours,


- Jack Asher