Spring Training

A terrible change happens once you leave college and move in with your significant other. This change is completely unavoidable, although certain people can deter it longer than others. I’m talking about, of course, the inability to consume copious amounts of alcohol at one time. Long past are the days where I could throw back adult beverage after adult beverage and nary would a blurred vision stand in my way. Yes, Irish Car-Bombs, shots of cheap liquor, beer funnels - all would go down with ease – simply fuel to propel the party that was my life.

That’s right. My name is Jack Asher, and I’m a lightweight - Admitting you have a problem is the first step towards recovery.

These days, I’m lucky if I can have two beers (light beers at that!) without feeling a little tipsy. You might think that since I don’t go out too much, this would not pose a big problem for me, and on any typical day of the week, you’d be right. But St. Patrick’s Day is no typical day, and it’s even less so in Boston. Yes, in only two weeks time, my lack of preparation will become apparent to all.

I can not stand for such an embarrassment.

The way I see it, I have two full weeks to let my body know who’s boss. The training will be rigorous… but well worth the pride I feel when I’m able to stand on my own two feet at the end of the Parade, and say with gusto that I was able to stay awake, and coherent for the duration of St. Patty’s Day.

So, what will this regimen entail? Well, the obvious answer is a ton of booze. I’m talking about having a Bloody Mary for breakfast, followed by a spiked coffee for the drive into work. A liquid lunch will suffice during the week. Sure, my work may suffer – but it’s all for the greater good. Of course my dinners must be accompanied by a few Guinness’s so that I will be accustomed to the drink of choice on March 17th. Perhaps a nightcap of Scotch to close out a hard day of training.

Some naysayers out there may suggest that this feat can not be accomplished in such a taxing timeframe. But it must be done, lest I fall asleep on my friends couch whilst wearing my shoes – A tragedy that must be avoided at all costs.

So break out the shot glasses and tell the Misses to put the ambulance on speed dial. I’m going all in!

- Jack Asher